Nope...still depressed.

Turns out, the man hadn't even looked at the message at the time. I still don't know if he's looked at it--if we're still getting along, chances are he probably didn't--and not being able to talk to him about it is getting to me. I can't stand it! I have to talk to him. I have to find some way, because it's not enough for me to just deal with it alone. I'm praying for the chance to talk.

I'm tired of being quiet and I'm tired of not letting my feelings be known. As I said before with regards to the MySpace message, I really don't care how he takes it. This is for me. I'm tired of being passive and scared. I want him to know where I stand.

As a matter of fact...he's in class right now. I feel like just marching right into that classroom and screaming at him, I'm so mad. And he'd better listen...

...Alright, I know I shouldn't be mad. But I'm tired of being the odd man out! I'm tired of having to get over someone I want! It's about time that someone wanted me, too. It makes no sense that I'll be 27 in less than four months, and I still have no romantic experience. I feel like I'm still the class outcast--and I graduated from Valley eight years ago!

Damn you, you...jerk! Why are you doing this to me?!!... LOL XD

I apologized...

My friend didn't think it was the best thing to do--"If he doesn't bring it up, you don't bring it up," she said--but I apologized, anyway. I said I was sorry about what happened in the spring.

"It's alright," he said, "it's a new semester." In other words, I can leave it alone.

He was on MySpace yesterday, which means he read my note...and yet, he wasn't mad. Apparently, there's no hard feelings. I can stop holding my breath. No drama to be expected. :)

Hopefully I can forget summer...

...and move on to better things.

I think I've totally spoiled summer for myself. The tears I should have shed for my grandmothers were wasted on some dude who wasn't even thinking about me and probably saw me as a cheap thrill, anyway (I did kind of advance on him quickly in all fairness, but still--that's not what I'm about).

To add to the emotional turmoil I put myself through, I sent a letter to him on MySpace, which he has not responded to yet, because he still hasn't been back online since July 8. But I know that when he (or his girlfriend, because she could have access to his page) does see it, there'll likely be some drama.

So now that school is in session again for the fall, I am in full defense mode. I am preparing for the bomb to drop, the shoe to fall, the shit to hit the fan. I am ready for the next disappointment, because somehow, I know it's coming...

After the note...

I told a few people, and they had a few choice words. Just about everyone stayed along the same lines--that I needed to move on, that this man apparently wants nothing to do with me.

Until yesterday, I had planned to find him and tell him to get rid of the note without reading it, realizing that sending it was a mistake and fearing that his girlfriend would come for my blood if she saw it. But when I called my dad last night, that changed. He disagreed, saying in so many words that if I tried to get this guy to delete his message, I'd only spark his curiosity and make him want to know what's in it that's so erroneous. "He'd find out anyway," my dad said.

While we were talking, my dad got me to realize something that had been the case for years: I always try too hard to get people--that's anyone, not just potential paramours--to like me and accept me, and I end up pushing them away in the process, although I don't mean to. And for some reason, I always thought passively sending notes and things would make things better, but it doesn't--putting things in writing tends to send the wrong message, especially in my case; I've always been an emotional writer, and I tend to go too deep in my writing.

Last night while I was on the phone and then while I was working, I went over it again and again in my head. The thought of my former classmate never speaking to me again over a MySpace message was painful and unbearable. It meant that there would yet another person out there in the cold, cruel world who disliked me and wanted nothing to do with me--and as far as I was concerned, I've already had too many of those people in my life. I told Dad that, too.

"No you don't," he said. "You think you do. You don't like yourself."

If I had a penny for every time I've heard the "you gotta love yourself" speech, I'd be crazy rich! Well maybe it's about time I start listening--I mean, really listening this time.

That means that I can't depend on this man or anyone else to validate me anymore. (In this case, that also means not fearing his girlfriend's wrath--she might break my bones but not my spirit, dammit!) I can no longer make them my judge and jury. All it's done so far is bring me down.

The worst this man could do is hate me for life and/or avoid me like the plague--yeah, very mature for a 27-year-old man--or his girlfriend could even arrange to have me banned from all of Fourth Street. But why should I let it wreck my day? After all, there's other men, and there's more to Louisville than Fourth Street. Surely I'll find another favorite spot sooner or later. Plus I think I've seen Fourth Street enough times over the past four years, anyway...it's not the end of the world. In fact, it might even open doors for me. :)

So what happens now?...

I sent another message to my classmate on MySpace. It read as follows:

"Truth is I've been a little bitter since the end of the semester. My feelings were actually kind of hurt when you told me you had a girlfriend. Yeah, I know I said I was okay. Well, I lied. I'm really quite depressed! :( I've cried over it God knows how many times in the past two and a half months. Every time I walk into Friday's or even just down Fourth Street, I feel like I'm trespassing, like I don't belong there, because you're there. I don't know if I'm making you uncomfortable or not. I really don't mean to.

"Anyway, that's how I really feel. I only hid it from you because I care about you.

"I hope there's no hard feelings. I really don't mean to put you on the spot, if that's what I'm doing. I apologize if it seems that way. I just need to clear my conscience...."

I sent it to him yesterday afternoon, after an internal debate with myself over whether or not I should do so. I was seriously considering backing out again, because I took his feelings into consideration. But then I decided, well, he can take it how he wants to take it. I don't care one way or the other. This is for me. I need to get this out of my system.

So I sent the message to him, and that was that. I was sure to write it such a way that I took personal responsibility for my feelings.

Since he hasn't been back online in over a week, I won't hold my breath--it'll most likely still be in his inbox whenever he gets back on.

If he chooses to respond, or not to respond, that's up to him. If he decides to not even read the message and discards it, that's fine, too--I might be a bit peeved, but I'll be okay. All that counts is that I gave myself an opportunity to vent and to express my feelings, more for my own sake than for anyone else's. That sounds selfish, but if I'm not in touch with my own feelings, how can I be so with the feelings of others?...

I really hope he'll take the time to read the message before making any decision. I want him to know how I truly feel, whether he cares to hear it or not. But like I said, it's up to him. And it's even more up to God. All I can do is wait and see what happens.

Thought I had it... :(

I still think I might...

But then I explained my theory to my mom, and she said something entirely different.

She said that my problem wasn't that I was a "special" kid, but rather that I was a stubborn kid--I knew how things were, I understood how things were, but I refused to accept how things were. (In fact, according to her, that's how I ended up in a special class in the first place.) "You're still like that," she said. "You always talk about how you don't want to conform."

She's right, you know--I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, and I hate conformity. Don't get me wrong--I believe that certain standards should still be followed. But I don't agree with the total acceptance of the way things are. Just because that's the way it is doesn't mean that that's how it has to be. I believe that some things should be outside the mainstream.

I understood where she was coming from in relation to my classmate and my lamentable situation--that I know he has a woman in his life already, I'm just too stubborn to accept it.

Guilty as charged. I still like him, and I still want him, although I know that he doesn't feel the same way and probably never will. I also keep replaying April 29 over and over in my head, hoping that somehow, he wasn't serious when he said he was "kind of seeing someone."

Mom says--and I've heard this thousands of times already--that I should leave the past in the past in the past and live in the present moment. Even my AD&D program talks about living in the present moment. But for some reason, I can't...

This has brought me to tears several times since the 4th. The thought of getting over him depresses me greatly. I know it's pointless to hold onto someone who's not mine for the taking. But I can't shake him. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go. I'm afraid that I won't get anything out of my present moment, or that I'll end up with several guys that I don't really want, and that it will go on and on for years, then when the right guy does finally come along, I'll be so jaded and bitter that I won't want anything to do with him either.

I'm also afraid that accepting the way things are will cause me to change so drastically that I'll become someone I don't recognize. I want to change, but not to the point where I'm a whole different personality. I don't like how I feel right now, but I like who I am.

I'm tired of thinking about this guy and his girlfriend every time I hear a love song, watch a commercial for KY lubricant, or spot a book at Borders about Kama Sutra sex positions. But I can't stop thinking about it. I wish it was as easy as just stopping the thoughts cold turkey.

One thing I remember Mom saying was to ask God to order my steps and show me the way. So I did. And I'll continue to until I get where I need to be.

P.S.: I checked his MySpace page again. He was online on Thursday, and didn't respond to my note! Jerk.

I think I've hit a revelation...

This is how it began...

Sometime last week, I found my classmate's MySpace profile. I thought it funny that I found it, and I thought that his username was even funnier.

Of course, I sent him a message letting him know that I found him. I have yet to get a response--my belief is that either he's ignoring me on purpose, or his girlfriend forced him not to respond...or it may just be that he hasn't been online lately. Whatever the reason, I got no response from him.

I contacted a friend of mine on MySpace and told him that I found this man's profile. He asked me if I had checked his marital status while I was on his page. I didn't; I was scared to, and besides that, he already told me that he was seeing someone, and while to some that might mean "single and looking," I'm pretty sure that in this case, it meant "committed relationship." (I might still look, just to be sure, but I already have an idea of what it would say.)

On Friday, I told my best friend about the profile, and the conversation we had became my moment of lament, which then turned into my friend lecturing me, telling me to stop talking to other people about him, that I should get over him and move on. As hard as it was to hear--and it brought me to tears, the thought of letting the whole thing go--I knew that my friend was right. I didn't need to waste my life away wanting something I knew I couldn't have.

I have been reading this book that my therapist had recommended, called In the Meantime. It's about learning to love yourself and others unconditionally so that you can have the kind of love experience and relationships that you want. It's been very helpful.

Metaphorically speaking in the author's terms, I know that I've just come out of the basement and am on the first floor of love's house--in other words, I know, or at least have an idea of, what my problem is, and I'm still trying to figure out my first course of action for working through it. So I've still got a bit of a way to go.

How does this fit in with what my friend said? Here's how: After we arrived at work, I decided I wanted to sit somewhere alone and reflect on some things. One of the book's exercises was to quiet your mind and ask your spirit a question, then write down the first answer that comes to mind, and the answer can actually take several forms. (My friend's lecture, in fact, was the answer to a question I had asked a couple of days before.) This time, I asked what it was that got me into my current depressed, bitter state. Here's my answer:

"All my life, I've been under the impression that I'm not good enough and that I'm not worthy, and that I have to prove myself to others...or have something in order to fit in. Starting in my adolescent years, that included a boyfriend. I attribute this in large part to having been placed in special needs classes...beginning in first grade [my behavior was the reason]. Although I did eventually go on to mainstream classes, I still had the stigma of being a 'special' kid attached to me, and I believe that being in special needs classes at least gave me a subconscious impression that I was sub-par. This has crossed over into my adulthood; I still feel I need someone else to make me valid."

(Of course, it didn't form in my mind like this...)

Yeah, I know--that's deep. But that's my theory. I truly believe that this had something to do with how I feel today. I still feel like I'm one of the "special" kids, although I'm not in that environment anymore. I still get paranoid about what others think of me, and I still maintain a defensive stance, ready to jump down someone's throat the minute they say anything negative about my intelligence level--this is what almost cost me my job in January! Also, I wonder if any of my mannerisms make me look stupid or less attractive, and I wonder if I stand to have any prospects of a lasting relationship because of my history.

As my next question, I asked what it was that I really wanted. I have so far listed 14 items, none of which, of course, had anything to do with a boyfriend. Among these, I said I wanted to be loved, honored, respected, and acknowledged.

As I looked back on the personal notes I made for myself, I began to feel a sense of clarity about my situation. I had already knew that my past situations with the boys in middle and high school who didn't like me, and the present-day classmate who let me down easy, were all lessons I needed to learn, something I had to go through in order to grow. I just couldn't fully grasp the idea. I still wanted to believe in the idea that one day, fate would bring my classmate and me together, that one day we'd be an item.

This time, I started to get it. Everything is now starting to make sense, and it's easier for me to let all this crap go and move on with my life. Just like the day when I gave up on my Maryland obsession, I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders--little by little everyday.

I can't even fantasize about this guy anymore--there's no point! Fantasizing about him won't bring us any closer to being together. It won't make him love me any more or love his girlfriend any less. It won't solve any of my problems, so really...what's the point? The fantasies were just a pacifier, a clever distraction from my real issues with myself.

If my classmate ever reads this, I hope he understands where I'm coming from, and that he forgives me for any discomfort I might have caused. I know now that my reason for wanting him was because I thought I needed someone to complete and validate me; knowing this, I can leave him alone.

I'm going to Glassworks today... :)

It's a field trip for my art history class. I'm kind of excited because I've always wanted to go.

I wonder why I don't visit museums and galleries more often (or do other things that interest me for that matter). Perhaps price is an issue, but what other excuses do I have? Depression over someone else's boyfriend? Going back to the past? Worring about every damn thing that goes on in my life?...

Not good enough excuses for anything. But they are clever distractions. Because of all this and other things, I do often find myself shut away, secluded, unable to focus...but doesn't everyone when it comes to this?...

Nope...haven't left him alone yet...still depressed.

Now I'm waiting for his girlfriend to announce that she's having his baby...and that she wants to get married...thereby forever fucking up the chances that I might end up with this guy one day... unless they divorce...and of course, it wouldn't be honorable to hope that they do...

But I'm so sad, and I'm tired of missing out on love. I'm tired of being behind everyone else. When are things going to change?...

I'm sorry--I know I said two months back that if I really care about this guy, I should be happy for him. And I know that what I'm saying makes me sound really selfish, but I can't take it! I want this man in my life. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I feel like I've waited too long, and like I'm running out of time--I am 26 and still without my first lover, while most women my age have had at least two or three by now.

You know, sometime back--I think it was a couple of years ago--I had told my older sister that if I didn't find love by my 30th birthday, I would join a convent. She told me that my reason for joining a convent should be my love for God, not my lack of a mortal lovelife. I know all this, but sometimes I still think that maybe I should--after all, if I can't find love with mortal men, I can still find it with God...right?...I should be building a relationship with God either way, anyway...

But then again, I'd lose the people I know have always loved me--my friends and family. I'd never be able to see them again. Then what? Then I'd really be alone--well, okay, I take that back, because I'd still have God, who's always there, and the other nuns I'd live with. But knowing me I'd still feel alone...

Wait a minute--didn't I just say that I had friends and family who loved me? Then what the hell am I bitching about?...

Yeah, I know--Jekyll and Hyde over here. Mood swings are pretty much the order of the day for me...

It's just that it hurts so much, you know? I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm 26. Do you know what message that sends? That tells the world that something is wrong with me. It tells people that I've failed somehow, that there's some type of defect, some type of setback. I know deep down that can't be true. I'm not ugly, I'm definitely not stupid...I have my issues, true--and I think that's mainly what contributes to how I view myself, but I know there's nothing wrong with me. Still, it hurts.

Okay, so it's been a month...

More than a month, actually...

Since my last post, I did talk to this guy. Well, actually, I just joked around with him some more. I tried really hard to hide how I was really feeling. So I didn't say anything about the fact that he left me in tears that entire week. Instead, I told him that I had a disturbing sex dream about an acquaintance from work (which I enjoyed O_o) and that it was his fault. LOL.

In the following session that Thursday, our last session, my classmates and I helped shoot a commercial. My crush and I joked around then, too. He said he would be gone on a two-week trip to Europe, starting the following week. I told him I would stalk him when he got back--I was teasing, of course.

But something got in the way to steer me from that. I got a call from my dad saying that my grandmother was in the hospital. So I went up to see her. The whole family was there, and we went in two by two into the ICU to see her.

Two days later, she passed away. The week of the funeral, I was on vacation from work, and my classmate was in Europe, which I was also very sad over. Seriously--I cried off and on over this guy while he was away, along with the fact that he was with another woman already, and the fact that my grandmother had just died.

I saw him again on Memorial Day, when I went to eat at the restaurant he works at. He passed me by a few times, but didn't turn to greet me. I thought to myself, "Well, maybe he didn't recognize me without my scarf on." (I wore my scarf on my head during the remainder of the spring semester because my hair needed to be done badly, and I didn't have a chance to get it done until the end of the semester.) But then I started thinking, "What if he ignored me on purpose? What if he's trying to avoid me?!" This sounds kind of paranoid, I know. But then I consider the fact that he does know that I liked him, and I did say I was going to stalk him when he got back from Europe, even though I was just playing. So it's quite possible that despite my very best efforts, history may very well repeat itself, anyway...figures.

So I was officially back on him, with my "sinful" thoughts of making out with him (can't think about sex; he has a girlfriend) and my scenarios about his girlfriend wanting to bludgeon me with a Louisville Slugger if she ever found out I liked him (and me having to kill a bitch for attacking me!). But this hasn't gotten very far. See, on the 6th of this month, I got a call from my mom saying that my other grandmother was in the hospital. So I went to see her. The only people there were my parents, one of my aunts, my sisters, my older brother, and one of my nephews.

Well, two days later, my other grandmother died. So I've lost both of my grandmothers in less than a month's time.

Both losses hit me and my family pretty hard. How do I know I can't deal with something like this? Simple--when I start having disturbing obsessive thoughts to distract me from my grief. I know it's a subconscious reflex, but I still can't deal with it. I end up losing much of the time I would have spent grieving. This same thing happened when my grandfather died three years ago.

Another thing happens, too: The day before my other grandmother's funeral, the assistant asked me if I was okay, because I looked flushed. I felt fine, rationalizing that I must have felt a bit warm because I had just been walking in 90-plus-degree weather. But I know now that it was because I'm dealing with the deaths of two loved ones. The funny thing is that it's never happened before. (Not that this matters; just thought I'd mention it.)

All being said, the past month's been pretty rough. But I'm holding together, same as everyone else.

About the past six days...

My crying fits didn't stop on Tuesday. They went on for the next few days after that. During this time, I talked about it with friends and with my parents, many of whom suggested, in so many words, that I take a minute to question whether or not I'm even ready to be in a relationship.

I honestly don't know. I still take into consideration that I've never had a relationship, and I often think to myself, well, I still need the experience, don't I? because most women my age have been in at least a few relationships, and here I am, having not been in any. And I feel so pathetic. I feel like there must be something wrong with me if I've already had to wait this long.

Then I think, well, there are some things I could work on...I do have my issues I need to work on, my own personal set of demons I need to face. Sometimes I look at some of the things I say and do and wonder why anyone would want to be with someone like me.

There are times when it seems I'll get along just fine, but then there are times when I still get depressed about the whole situation. For instance, whenever I hear a love song on the radio, I think about my classmate and his girlfriend, and then I get sad again.

Also, a friend of mine, who's been really involved in church and ministry, put me through this guilt trip, saying that my flirting was a sin against God, and that the reason I felt so guilty after finding out about my classmate's girlfriend was because God was present and He was making me feel that way. Now, I disagree with a lot of what he said; I don't believe it's sinful to flirt--flirting and lust are not the same thing--and I believe that God is more concerned with the overall welfare of our souls than with whether or not we're flirting with someone who just happens to be dating someone else, that He has better things to do than put us through guilt trips. Still, I found myself on Sunday wondering if I really did commit a forbidden act against God by flirting with my colleague.

My next chance to talk things over with this man is tomorrow, in video class. I'm really hoping that his knowing I liked him does not have an effect on how he sees me. I'm worried that because he knows I liked him now, he won't want to be around me, and he'll try to shut me out. I still want to be friends with him, but I don't know if that's possible now...

Then again, I have to have some faith and take into consideration that this is not high school, and that I cannot expect a 27-year-old to respond like a 17-year-old would. I know that most likely, he won't shut me out, although it's possible.

Well, I talked to him again, and...

I asked the guy in my class if we could step out into the hall and talk for a minute, and I had mentioned the past two weeks, and that I had hugged him the week before. And I admitted to him that I had been looking at him for the past month.

Well, he told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to lead me on, if that's what he did, and that he was seeing someone. He said he thought I was "awesome," but that it wouldn't work out because he already had someone in his life.

He asked if I was okay. I said I was, but of course I wasn't. No one saw it, but while I was in class, I sat at my desk and wept. Then I went to the bathroom after class and just stood in one place and cried. (I'm still crying, as I write this post.)

While I was in the bathroom, one of the counsellors saw me and asked me what was the matter, and I told her. She made me feel a little better about it, saying that I should look at this as a blessing in disguise, because he could have continued to lead me on and taken advantage of me, but didn't.

I also called my mom, who told me that I shouldn't have let my emotions get involved and should have taken things slow. I thought I was doing that, but when she mentioned "two weeks," I thought about it for a minute. She's right--I didn't give him much of a chance.

She's suggesting that I go home and rest it off before going to work. I'll certainly try to, but that might be easier said than done...I don't know. I just know that I'm really depressed right now.

Part of the reason I feel so let down, obviously, is the fact that I am 26 and have never been in love or in a relationship with anyone, and this is just another one of many disappointments, many emotional blows. I think to myself, "What gives? What's it going to take? Is this always going to be what I get? Am I going to have to reach midlife before I finally have a significant other in my life? When's my chance going to come?" Being in love is something I've never experienced before, and it hurts when every time I'm interested in someone, either he's taken, or he can't stand me, or both.

I at least give this man credit for letting me down easily and letting me know how he felt, as opposed to shutting me out and pushing me away altogether, because that still could have been a possibility.

Well...I guess it's time for me to go back to what I was doing before--focusing on Airen. What happened to that, anyway?...

Found a four-leaf clover on the way back from Murphy's...

I was standing on the bus stop across the street from the store, taking a few photos, and I dropped my umbrella. I bent down to pick it up, then I saw the clover, and I picked it.

So, what does this mean, and why am I writing this? Well, I don't know. I am a bit of a magical thinker, though, and maybe this is a sign of good things to come. Who knows? Maybe my classmate and I will hook up, after all...LOL.

Speaking of which, I have been talking to him...and flirting. At first, it was a little disturbing to me, because up until now, I had never flirted with any guy ever in my life (sure, I've made out with a couple of guys before, but it was more spontaneous, and I was a lot more desperate back then than I am now), and also because I didn't know how it was going to affect him (I still think about that often). But it's starting to not be such a big deal. He's been surprisingly easy to talk to, and it turns out that he's kind of sweet. Not what I expected at all.

Actually, I've been kind of depressed about him, because I still wonder if he has a girlfriend. I doubt that he's involved with the girl in our class, but there's someone else he might be with. There's this one blonde chick whom I always see him talking to, and I fear that that might be his girlfriend. She's also been present for a few class projects. When I think about her, it makes me really nervous about my situation with this man, and now I'm afraid that I really will find out in some fucked up way that he has a girlfriend (i.e., his girlfriend makes herself known by confronting me, or I see them kissing in a hallway, or if you really want to get extreme, I could walk in on them having sex in the auditorium of the Hartford Building!). At any rate, if I find out he does have a girlfriend, I'm going to feel really guilty about flirting with him...

I guess that's where that clover came in today. Maybe God meant for me to find the clover because He saw how depressed I was and wanted me to cheer up. Well, it did make me feel a lot better than I was feeling...

What ever happened to simpler days?...

I do think that a lot. And I often answer by saying to myself that simpler days ended in 1992, when I started liking boys. I might also say that they ended when I was in high school, during which I had become the brunt of everyone's jokes.

The truth is, however, that simpler days never left. I've had simpler days, but because I have to analyze and catastrophize and obsess about every damn thing, instead of just living the day-to-day, even simpler days become extremely difficult.

Anxiety is a horrible thing, especially when it's chronic like mine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Just thought I'd get that off my chest. I apologize if it doesn't make sense...

I showed the "thou shalt not covet" post again...this time, to my dad.

He said the same thing my friend said, of course--that I was selling myself short and shutting myself down.

He also talked about how I always tend to come up with negative scenarios about what might happen. It's true, LOL. I do scenarize a lot about the future, and nine times out of ten, it's something negative. But I always have this idea that by drawing up these negative scenarios in my head, I am somehow preparing myself for what's to come--that these scenarios are a way to cushion whatever future blows I might expect.

And Dad didn't think that the thing with "Leviathan" popping up in my head was God sending me a warning. He felt that the word was already in my head, since I had seen it in the Bible before, and that perhaps it was just a coincidence that it popped up. Sometimes I like to think that maybe it was and I just took it too seriously, but it seemed to fit so well into my situation that I felt it had to mean something.

So I guess that's it--my friend's said it, my dad's said it, and everyone I spoke to in between said it. So I guess I should just quit being a wuss and talk to the man. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Either way, I'll be alright.

I showed yesterday's post to a friend...and she gave me a lecture.

Yesterday, after I posted, I decided to print out a copy of my post to keep with me. Then last night, on the way to work, I showed my post to a friend of mine.

It didn't take long for her to start in on me. She gave me this long lecture about it. She feels that my post about envy and learning to be happy for someone else's good fortune was a way of shutting myself down and selling myself short. "You haven't even talked to the man," she said, "and you're already thinking ten steps ahead!" She insisted that I was backing myself into a corner, and that I needed to stop being afraid and take a chance. I talked to others about it before and after work, and they all say the same thing.

I know this. I understand that I'll never know unless I take a chance. But it's much easier said than done. Speaking from my experience, I believe it would hard for me to just approach someone--to just walk up and say "Hey, how are you doin?"--without being looked at as if I'm crazy. In my specific case, the guy already knows me, and he knows how quiet and seclusive I usually am, and if I decide one day to just all of a sudden approach him and say "hi," he might first wonder why the sudden change and then wonder why I chose to approach him specifically.

I figure that at that point, he'd probably catch on that I have a crush on him, and depending on how he'd take it, he'd either let me down easy, cuss me out, or just avoid me like the plague. He may even go so far as to file harrassment charges against me. (A male acquaintance of mine told me that men don't file harassment charges, but I'm pretty sure that at least one guy has before.)

I know, I know--I shouldn't be so negative, and he probably wouldn't do all that. But I think it would still put him in an awkward position if I was to decide to just walk up to him and say "hi" to him out of the clear blue, especially if I've never directly communicated with him before.

Maybe I'm wrong about this; maybe he wouldn't feel awkward about it. Maybe I should just go ahead and take that leap and stop stressing about it. The worst he can do is say, "Don't talk to me, I don't like you, go away, I already have a girlfriend." The worst he could do is avoid me. But I'll never know unless I try.

Late for a photo shoot...great.

I was supposed to show up on campus this morning at 10:00 to shoot an assignment for my photography class. Well, I end up oversleeping, and I get there about half an hour late. One of the professors is standing in the photo lab, and I know it's because I didn't show up that he's there. So of course, I go into complete panic and throw an absolute tizzy fit.

See, the rules of the photo studio say that if you are late for an assignment, you are suspended from the studio for two weeks--in other words, you can't use the studio unless it's empty. The problem for me is that, because I had left the door to one of the Mac labs open, I'm already not allowed to be in any of the labs alone, including the studio. So in my case, I'm not allowed to use the studio at all. Can you blame me for bawling, then?...

The professor still allows me to use the studio, though, explaining that there's no one in there, so there's no reason I can't use it. I'm standing there for a minute, dumbfounded, but I figure that this is his way of saying, "Just go ahead and do what you have to do, shut up and quit arguing before I change my mind." So no problem--I listen, and I head to the studio. While I'm in the studio, he warns me that if I make another scene, I won't be able to use anything ever again.

I'm thinking, "Wow, that ought to be easy, knowing my track record." So now I'm sitting here, anxious and afraid that I'm going to go off again, anyway, because I have so many times in the past. I'm a very emotional, thinker, which I know is perhaps my greatest weakness. I've always been known to react before I think, and it's always gotten me into trouble. This time around is no different.

As I've said before, I think my main problem with situations like these is that I think too much, and I don't trust myself enough. With the kind of past I have, it's hard to do so. Still, that's not good.

I'm beginning to really see how my anxiety is disrupting different aspects of my daily life--first at work, and now at school. I know I haven't been using my AA&D program--I stopped after going back over session 6--and that's a problem, because without it, this happens. The program has helped me cope with daily life better. But it's no good if I don't use it.

I'm supposed to start session 7, but it's been a while, so I'll probably just start from the beginning again, just to get back on track. I also need to start using my relaxation tape again.

This situation was a wake-up call for me, and looking back, I can see what I need to do. I just need to have some faith and believe in myself.

"Thou shalt not covet another's property."

Alright...so I was in video class today--I guess I'm kind of giving it away then--and I really didn't want to be there because he would be there. I took some Tylenol just to calm my nerves.

Well, there's this girl in my class who's always talking to him, and I kept seeing them within close proximity of one another. I'm starting to think that maybe they've hooked up and just haven't made it obvious, or they're flirting and will hook up eventually. This made me kind of upset, the thought of them hooking up. This means that I don't stand a chance, no matter what I do...

You know, I am by no means a religious person (far from it!), but I've had this thing since middle school where if I liked someone or was attracted to them, and then found out, or at least suspected, that they were with someone else, the Tenth Commandment--Thou shalt not covet another's property--would always pop up in my head, kind of like it's my mind's way of saying, "Shame on you!" The word "covetous" would always pop up in my head, too, and I would feel as if I'm the definition of it. And I would feel guilty and beat myself up every chance I got, because after all, I did covet another's property, by liking someone else's boyfriend...

That's exactly what's happening now. I'm convinced that this guy is well on his way to hooking up with this girl in my class--so convinced, in fact, that if I was to walk in on them having sex in the auditorium of the Hartford Building, I'd hardly be surprised. And I keep thinking about what a covetous bitch I must be to want him when his sights are clearly set on someone else.

Another thing happened to me today while on campus: For some reason, the word "Leviathan" popped up in my head. I had a feeling that it had to do with my current situation. So I got online and looked it up. According to Wikipedia, Leviathan is a sea creature mentioned in the Bible, which I guess represents the evils of Earth (at least that's what I get from it). What really got my attention, though, was that St. Thomas Aquinas described it as "the demon of envy."

Wow--I think God is trying to tell me something here. I think He's trying to get me to take a good look at the way I'm acting. I think He's hinting to me that, yes, this guy is with someone else, and no, I shouldn't be upset about it, but rather, I should just bow out graciously, leave the man alone, and be happy that he found love with someone, even if that someone isn't me.

I know I should be happy for him, if that's the case; I want to be happy for him. But when I've never been in love myself, when I've never had a romantic relationship myself, it's very hard for me to be happy. I know that's a selfish way to be, though, and I seriously need to work on that.

Revisiting the relationship issue...

Or, rather, a lack thereof...

Today, I couldn't help but notice a few of the couples around my school's campus, kissing, embracing, talking. And I remembered my own situation--that I'm 26, have only been on one date, and have never been in a relationship.

Most of the time, it's not a big deal; I get along just fine on my own. But sometimes I do think about it, and I get kind of lonely and depressed.

I know it's mainly my fault. In high school and even after high school, I had never given anyone a chance to approach me, partly out of fear and partly out of my inability to trust my own feelings. When a guy would approach me, I would get jumpy, afraid that he might try to rape me eventually. (This is mainly because back in 2004, I was attacked by a man at a bus stop; thank God he didn't get far enough with me to rape me, because my bus came and scared him off, but it still left me extremely anxious, wary, and hypervigilant.) And when I would become attracted to someone--like what's happening now--I would shut down, out of the fear that history would repeat itself and I would be miserable again.

Despite all this, I still wish I had a significant other in my life, someone whom I could love who would love me and make me happy, someone who would be my best friend as well as my lover, someone who would be my equal, my other half. It seems that everyone has that except for me.

I know that I have a lot of things to sort through, though, and I want to do all I can to work on these issues before I try to pursue any kind of relationship. In the meantime, it will be kind of unbearable to look at other people on campus cuddled up...

One obsession in exchange for another?...

Before I continue, I guess I have a confession to make...

I've already stated that I've had anxiety and depression for many years. Well, for much of my adolescence and early adulthood, I've had another problem: obsessions.

That's right--obsessions. It started when I was 10 years old, and I saw whom I believed to be the cutest guy in the entire school walk into my classroom. Since then, I had been off him like crazy; I couldn't stop thinking about him. My entire life revolved around him...then I found out--or at least he told me--that he had a girlfriend named Tweety.

From that point on, I had tortured myself with thoughts about her--the way she looked (of course, I assumed she was prettier than me, since she was with him and I wasn't), how many times they kissed, and after my sex education class, I wondered if they had had sex, and if so, how many times. I would still look at him a lot, wondering who Tweety was, what she had that I didn't, and why he didn't like me. He would say fucked-up things to me, like I was fat and ugly, and my breath stank. I remember he made me cry one day at the lunch table. Another time, I had written an apology note to him, and he threw it in the trash without even reading it.

Things like this had continued into middle school and high school, with three other guys, at a much worse magnitude--at least it seemed to me. The last one was a guy I had obsessed over for five years, between eighth grade and twelfth grade. He had called me a sea monster in eighth and ninth grade--I'm surprised he said nothing about my weight--and said all kinds of things behind my back, often within earshot of me. (Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes.) Eventually other kids, mostly girls, got involved in the bashfest, and a lot of them pretended to be my friends. My situation and how I handled it earned me the reputation of the "stupid crazy girl" in class, and I quickly became an outcast, and so did anyone who hung around me.

A year after I graduated, there was a guy at my workplace that I really liked, and it did eventually did become an obsession, although not as bad as in high school. But I did eventually get in trouble for giving him dirty looks--I was paranoid and afraid that he didn't like me--and was accused by HR of sexual harrassment and moved to another area, away from him. Later on, he got fired for something unrelated. End of that.

Sometime in 2002, I was bagging packages for a town in Maryland called Hagerstown. Eventually I became obsessed with this, too, and that summer, I sent some prank e-mails to a bunch of girls living there, and then I sent some prank letters that December to some businesses there. I later apologized to them for these things, but I still talked about my obsession at length on the DreamMoods message boards for a long time. This obsession lasted for six years, and along with the message board confessions, there were other, stranger occurences which I couldn't quite explain here.

Finally, on March 17 of this year, I let go of the city obsession. But something else happened days later.

Lately, I've become attracted to a guy who's in one of my classes, and I've had various scenarios of what would happen if we hooked up, if I found out he had a girlfriend, and if he found out about my crush on him. I've even had thoughts about him and his girlfriend wanting to kill me.

The thoughts about us together started first, of course--just innocent thoughts at first, then gradually, a few of them became sexual fantasies. And I found these to be greatly disturbing, because I didn't see him this way at first, and still didn't want to see him this way. I have gotten to the point where I don't trust my own intentions, and so I was afraid that this crush would become an obsession, and that because we're adults--I'm 26, he's 27--there would be extremely serious consequences this time around, up to and including someone (most likely me) getting arrested, and possibly even someone's (most likely mine or his) death.

Yeah, I know--this sounds like I'm being paranoid. But after years of much of the same (except for criminal charges and death, of course), could you blame me for expecting the worst from this?...

Looking back, though, I think I know where all this came from. Being depressed for a long time, of course, I've always felt alone, even with the love of God, family, and the support of friends, and I've always wanted someone to like me and accept me for who I am. That's where I believe that all these guys come in--it's not really about them so much as it is about me. I had so little self-esteem and self-confidence that I continued to pursue them, even when they said horrible things to and about me. Even now, I anticipate what my afternoon classmate might say, and that I will still want him when all is said and done.

As far as Hagerstown is concerned, I think it was just a result of me wanting to run away from my problems at home. I remember that I have always wanted to leave Louisville and move elsewhere, because being here has brought me nothing but misery and disappointment over the past 15 years. (I still want to move away!) But as we all know, running away from one's problems never solves them--if I was to move, then come back home to visit, my problems would still be there, still unsolved.

I know that in order for others--that is, those outside my immediate circle--to like and accept me, I have to like and accept me first. That's been a major problem for me over the years, made worse by the ridicule, taunts, and backstabbing of others. But I've been working on it, with the help of God, family, friends, and my program. I've just recently started to realize that my life does have worth, and that while I may not have accomplished some larger-than-life feat, I have accomplished some things in my life, some of which many have not. I feel blessed when I realize how much I truly do have. For this, why would I want to run away?...

Another delay, I know...sorry.

But there's been a lot going on lately. I've been a bit backed up in my photo class, and I've been helping with projects in my video class, including shooting my own project. (I'm not sure whether or not we're going to be putting our videos online.) Also, I'm caught up in paying state taxes, so I won't be able to afford getting any new clothes (which I need badly), or get my hair done (which I also need badly), or do anything else until I pay those off. It's actually not much, but then I don't get paid much either, so...

I know--it's been a while...

...but here's my update:

First of all, I won my grievance hearing, and I have my job back. I just have to try not to lash out at anyone again. For me, this means some serious anger management. I've been using the Attacking Anxiety & Depression program, and it looks like I'll have to repeat it at least once. I know that I have a lot of issues I have to work with.

On Thursday, I did my first photo shoot with a model. It was an assignment for my photo class. I was kind of nervous, but I did it. I think I did pretty good. I hope I get a high mark on it.

Yesterday, I turned 26. Yesterday was also boring. It was Sunday, so nothing happened. :p

And today, I just have a load on my mind. I'm waiting on my tax refund, and I've got another assignment to do in photo class. I guess, other than that, there's not really much.

I know--this post is kind of blah :p

I lost my job this morning.

Okay--well, not completely. I'm waiting on a grievance hearing to get it back.

I was fired because I blew up at someone after they ridiculed me. I regressed back to my high-school years, and I lost my composure. Now, because of this, I might lose everything I have.

My family is supportive of me, as always, and they assure me that everything will be alright. It doesn't feel that way, though. I know everyone's been trying to get me to be happy and stay positive, but how can I? Things have gone so well for me in the past year, and now that's all been shot to pieces, it seems.

I've been crying off and on all day. In fact, my face is sore from my crying so much. I don't care; I still cry. I just lost a job I worked for seven years to keep. This job was all I knew, and now I don't know what to do. I don't think I'll ever find another job where I'll be paid $15 an hour, and I don't have enough education to take on an internship in my field of study. I shudder to think that I might have to flip burgers to get by. For me, that's the pits.

Despite what I feel, I know that God is testing me right now. He's testing me on my faith. I don't doubt that all this is happening for a reason. All I can do is keep praying that everything works out and keep living my life.

New Year, new emotions?...

So, it's 2008--a new year with new possibilites. A clean slate.

I'm kind of excited and scared all at the same time. I'm anticipating what new opportunities might come my way this year. 2007 was a great year for me, so I'm a bit more hopeful this year. However, I know that with the new year comes change, which scares me, because that change could be good or bad. But either way, I know that whatever happens this year will happen for a reason and that it will be a learning experience for me, an opportunity for personal growth, and that it can help shape me into the person I'm meant to be.

Hopefully, this year will be even better than the last, and hopefully I'll be able to open up more this year.