Before I continue, I guess I have a confession to make...
I've already stated that I've had anxiety and depression for many years. Well, for much of my adolescence and early adulthood, I've had another problem: obsessions.
That's right--obsessions. It started when I was 10 years old, and I saw whom I believed to be the cutest guy in the entire school walk into my classroom. Since then, I had been off him like crazy; I couldn't stop thinking about him. My entire life revolved around him...then I found out--or at least he told me--that he had a girlfriend named Tweety.
From that point on, I had tortured myself with thoughts about her--the way she looked (of course, I assumed she was prettier than me, since she was with him and I wasn't), how many times they kissed, and after my sex education class, I wondered if they had had sex, and if so, how many times. I would still look at him a lot, wondering who Tweety was, what she had that I didn't, and why he didn't like me. He would say fucked-up things to me, like I was fat and ugly, and my breath stank. I remember he made me cry one day at the lunch table. Another time, I had written an apology note to him, and he threw it in the trash without even reading it.
Things like this had continued into middle school and high school, with three other guys, at a much worse magnitude--at least it seemed to me. The last one was a guy I had obsessed over for five years, between eighth grade and twelfth grade. He had called me a sea monster in eighth and ninth grade--I'm surprised he said nothing about my weight--and said all kinds of things behind my back, often within earshot of me. (Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes.) Eventually other kids, mostly girls, got involved in the bashfest, and a lot of them pretended to be my friends. My situation and how I handled it earned me the reputation of the "stupid crazy girl" in class, and I quickly became an outcast, and so did anyone who hung around me.
A year after I graduated, there was a guy at my workplace that I really liked, and it did eventually did become an obsession, although not as bad as in high school. But I did eventually get in trouble for giving him dirty looks--I was paranoid and afraid that he didn't like me--and was accused by HR of sexual harrassment and moved to another area, away from him. Later on, he got fired for something unrelated. End of that.
Sometime in 2002, I was bagging packages for a town in Maryland called Hagerstown. Eventually I became obsessed with this, too, and that summer, I sent some prank e-mails to a bunch of girls living there, and then I sent some prank letters that December to some businesses there. I later apologized to them for these things, but I still talked about my obsession at length on the DreamMoods message boards for a long time. This obsession lasted for six years, and along with the message board confessions, there were other, stranger occurences which I couldn't quite explain here.
Finally, on March 17 of this year, I let go of the city obsession. But something else happened days later.
Lately, I've become attracted to a guy who's in one of my classes, and I've had various scenarios of what would happen if we hooked up, if I found out he had a girlfriend, and if he found out about my crush on him. I've even had thoughts about him and his girlfriend wanting to kill me.
The thoughts about us together started first, of course--just innocent thoughts at first, then gradually, a few of them became sexual fantasies. And I found these to be greatly disturbing, because I didn't see him this way at first, and still didn't want to see him this way. I have gotten to the point where I don't trust my own intentions, and so I was afraid that this crush would become an obsession, and that because we're adults--I'm 26, he's 27--there would be extremely serious consequences this time around, up to and including someone (most likely me) getting arrested, and possibly even someone's (most likely mine or his) death.
Yeah, I know--this sounds like I'm being paranoid. But after years of much of the same (except for criminal charges and death, of course), could you blame me for expecting the worst from this?...
Looking back, though, I think I know where all this came from. Being depressed for a long time, of course, I've always felt alone, even with the love of God, family, and the support of friends, and I've always wanted someone to like me and accept me for who I am. That's where I believe that all these guys come in--it's not really about them so much as it is about me. I had so little self-esteem and self-confidence that I continued to pursue them, even when they said horrible things to and about me. Even now, I anticipate what my afternoon classmate might say, and that I will still want him when all is said and done.
As far as Hagerstown is concerned, I think it was just a result of me wanting to run away from my problems at home. I remember that I have always wanted to leave Louisville and move elsewhere, because being here has brought me nothing but misery and disappointment over the past 15 years. (I still want to move away!) But as we all know, running away from one's problems never solves them--if I was to move, then come back home to visit, my problems would still be there, still unsolved.
I know that in order for others--that is, those outside my immediate circle--to like and accept me, I have to like and accept me first. That's been a major problem for me over the years, made worse by the ridicule, taunts, and backstabbing of others. But I've been working on it, with the help of God, family, friends, and my program. I've just recently started to realize that my life does have worth, and that while I may not have accomplished some larger-than-life feat, I have accomplished some things in my life, some of which many have not. I feel blessed when I realize how much I truly do have. For this, why would I want to run away?...
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