Thought I had it... :(

I still think I might...

But then I explained my theory to my mom, and she said something entirely different.

She said that my problem wasn't that I was a "special" kid, but rather that I was a stubborn kid--I knew how things were, I understood how things were, but I refused to accept how things were. (In fact, according to her, that's how I ended up in a special class in the first place.) "You're still like that," she said. "You always talk about how you don't want to conform."

She's right, you know--I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, and I hate conformity. Don't get me wrong--I believe that certain standards should still be followed. But I don't agree with the total acceptance of the way things are. Just because that's the way it is doesn't mean that that's how it has to be. I believe that some things should be outside the mainstream.

I understood where she was coming from in relation to my classmate and my lamentable situation--that I know he has a woman in his life already, I'm just too stubborn to accept it.

Guilty as charged. I still like him, and I still want him, although I know that he doesn't feel the same way and probably never will. I also keep replaying April 29 over and over in my head, hoping that somehow, he wasn't serious when he said he was "kind of seeing someone."

Mom says--and I've heard this thousands of times already--that I should leave the past in the past in the past and live in the present moment. Even my AD&D program talks about living in the present moment. But for some reason, I can't...

This has brought me to tears several times since the 4th. The thought of getting over him depresses me greatly. I know it's pointless to hold onto someone who's not mine for the taking. But I can't shake him. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go. I'm afraid that I won't get anything out of my present moment, or that I'll end up with several guys that I don't really want, and that it will go on and on for years, then when the right guy does finally come along, I'll be so jaded and bitter that I won't want anything to do with him either.

I'm also afraid that accepting the way things are will cause me to change so drastically that I'll become someone I don't recognize. I want to change, but not to the point where I'm a whole different personality. I don't like how I feel right now, but I like who I am.

I'm tired of thinking about this guy and his girlfriend every time I hear a love song, watch a commercial for KY lubricant, or spot a book at Borders about Kama Sutra sex positions. But I can't stop thinking about it. I wish it was as easy as just stopping the thoughts cold turkey.

One thing I remember Mom saying was to ask God to order my steps and show me the way. So I did. And I'll continue to until I get where I need to be.

P.S.: I checked his MySpace page again. He was online on Thursday, and didn't respond to my note! Jerk.