Late for a photo shoot...great.

I was supposed to show up on campus this morning at 10:00 to shoot an assignment for my photography class. Well, I end up oversleeping, and I get there about half an hour late. One of the professors is standing in the photo lab, and I know it's because I didn't show up that he's there. So of course, I go into complete panic and throw an absolute tizzy fit.

See, the rules of the photo studio say that if you are late for an assignment, you are suspended from the studio for two weeks--in other words, you can't use the studio unless it's empty. The problem for me is that, because I had left the door to one of the Mac labs open, I'm already not allowed to be in any of the labs alone, including the studio. So in my case, I'm not allowed to use the studio at all. Can you blame me for bawling, then?...

The professor still allows me to use the studio, though, explaining that there's no one in there, so there's no reason I can't use it. I'm standing there for a minute, dumbfounded, but I figure that this is his way of saying, "Just go ahead and do what you have to do, shut up and quit arguing before I change my mind." So no problem--I listen, and I head to the studio. While I'm in the studio, he warns me that if I make another scene, I won't be able to use anything ever again.

I'm thinking, "Wow, that ought to be easy, knowing my track record." So now I'm sitting here, anxious and afraid that I'm going to go off again, anyway, because I have so many times in the past. I'm a very emotional, thinker, which I know is perhaps my greatest weakness. I've always been known to react before I think, and it's always gotten me into trouble. This time around is no different.

As I've said before, I think my main problem with situations like these is that I think too much, and I don't trust myself enough. With the kind of past I have, it's hard to do so. Still, that's not good.

I'm beginning to really see how my anxiety is disrupting different aspects of my daily life--first at work, and now at school. I know I haven't been using my AA&D program--I stopped after going back over session 6--and that's a problem, because without it, this happens. The program has helped me cope with daily life better. But it's no good if I don't use it.

I'm supposed to start session 7, but it's been a while, so I'll probably just start from the beginning again, just to get back on track. I also need to start using my relaxation tape again.

This situation was a wake-up call for me, and looking back, I can see what I need to do. I just need to have some faith and believe in myself.