"Thou shalt not covet another's property."

Alright...so I was in video class today--I guess I'm kind of giving it away then--and I really didn't want to be there because he would be there. I took some Tylenol just to calm my nerves.

Well, there's this girl in my class who's always talking to him, and I kept seeing them within close proximity of one another. I'm starting to think that maybe they've hooked up and just haven't made it obvious, or they're flirting and will hook up eventually. This made me kind of upset, the thought of them hooking up. This means that I don't stand a chance, no matter what I do...

You know, I am by no means a religious person (far from it!), but I've had this thing since middle school where if I liked someone or was attracted to them, and then found out, or at least suspected, that they were with someone else, the Tenth Commandment--Thou shalt not covet another's property--would always pop up in my head, kind of like it's my mind's way of saying, "Shame on you!" The word "covetous" would always pop up in my head, too, and I would feel as if I'm the definition of it. And I would feel guilty and beat myself up every chance I got, because after all, I did covet another's property, by liking someone else's boyfriend...

That's exactly what's happening now. I'm convinced that this guy is well on his way to hooking up with this girl in my class--so convinced, in fact, that if I was to walk in on them having sex in the auditorium of the Hartford Building, I'd hardly be surprised. And I keep thinking about what a covetous bitch I must be to want him when his sights are clearly set on someone else.

Another thing happened to me today while on campus: For some reason, the word "Leviathan" popped up in my head. I had a feeling that it had to do with my current situation. So I got online and looked it up. According to Wikipedia, Leviathan is a sea creature mentioned in the Bible, which I guess represents the evils of Earth (at least that's what I get from it). What really got my attention, though, was that St. Thomas Aquinas described it as "the demon of envy."

Wow--I think God is trying to tell me something here. I think He's trying to get me to take a good look at the way I'm acting. I think He's hinting to me that, yes, this guy is with someone else, and no, I shouldn't be upset about it, but rather, I should just bow out graciously, leave the man alone, and be happy that he found love with someone, even if that someone isn't me.

I know I should be happy for him, if that's the case; I want to be happy for him. But when I've never been in love myself, when I've never had a romantic relationship myself, it's very hard for me to be happy. I know that's a selfish way to be, though, and I seriously need to work on that.