More than a month, actually...
Since my last post, I did talk to this guy. Well, actually, I just joked around with him some more. I tried really hard to hide how I was really feeling. So I didn't say anything about the fact that he left me in tears that entire week. Instead, I told him that I had a disturbing sex dream about an acquaintance from work (which I enjoyed O_o) and that it was his fault. LOL.
In the following session that Thursday, our last session, my classmates and I helped shoot a commercial. My crush and I joked around then, too. He said he would be gone on a two-week trip to Europe, starting the following week. I told him I would stalk him when he got back--I was teasing, of course.
But something got in the way to steer me from that. I got a call from my dad saying that my grandmother was in the hospital. So I went up to see her. The whole family was there, and we went in two by two into the ICU to see her.
Two days later, she passed away. The week of the funeral, I was on vacation from work, and my classmate was in Europe, which I was also very sad over. Seriously--I cried off and on over this guy while he was away, along with the fact that he was with another woman already, and the fact that my grandmother had just died.
I saw him again on Memorial Day, when I went to eat at the restaurant he works at. He passed me by a few times, but didn't turn to greet me. I thought to myself, "Well, maybe he didn't recognize me without my scarf on." (I wore my scarf on my head during the remainder of the spring semester because my hair needed to be done badly, and I didn't have a chance to get it done until the end of the semester.) But then I started thinking, "What if he ignored me on purpose? What if he's trying to avoid me?!" This sounds kind of paranoid, I know. But then I consider the fact that he does know that I liked him, and I did say I was going to stalk him when he got back from Europe, even though I was just playing. So it's quite possible that despite my very best efforts, history may very well repeat itself, anyway...figures.
So I was officially back on him, with my "sinful" thoughts of making out with him (can't think about sex; he has a girlfriend) and my scenarios about his girlfriend wanting to bludgeon me with a Louisville Slugger if she ever found out I liked him (and me having to kill a bitch for attacking me!). But this hasn't gotten very far. See, on the 6th of this month, I got a call from my mom saying that my other grandmother was in the hospital. So I went to see her. The only people there were my parents, one of my aunts, my sisters, my older brother, and one of my nephews.
Well, two days later, my other grandmother died. So I've lost both of my grandmothers in less than a month's time.
Both losses hit me and my family pretty hard. How do I know I can't deal with something like this? Simple--when I start having disturbing obsessive thoughts to distract me from my grief. I know it's a subconscious reflex, but I still can't deal with it. I end up losing much of the time I would have spent grieving. This same thing happened when my grandfather died three years ago.
Another thing happens, too: The day before my other grandmother's funeral, the assistant asked me if I was okay, because I looked flushed. I felt fine, rationalizing that I must have felt a bit warm because I had just been walking in 90-plus-degree weather. But I know now that it was because I'm dealing with the deaths of two loved ones. The funny thing is that it's never happened before. (Not that this matters; just thought I'd mention it.)
All being said, the past month's been pretty rough. But I'm holding together, same as everyone else.
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