Now I'm waiting for his girlfriend to announce that she's having his baby...and that she wants to get married...thereby forever fucking up the chances that I might end up with this guy one day... unless they divorce...and of course, it wouldn't be honorable to hope that they do...
But I'm so sad, and I'm tired of missing out on love. I'm tired of being behind everyone else. When are things going to change?...
I'm sorry--I know I said two months back that if I really care about this guy, I should be happy for him. And I know that what I'm saying makes me sound really selfish, but I can't take it! I want this man in my life. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I feel like I've waited too long, and like I'm running out of time--I am 26 and still without my first lover, while most women my age have had at least two or three by now.
You know, sometime back--I think it was a couple of years ago--I had told my older sister that if I didn't find love by my 30th birthday, I would join a convent. She told me that my reason for joining a convent should be my love for God, not my lack of a mortal lovelife. I know all this, but sometimes I still think that maybe I should--after all, if I can't find love with mortal men, I can still find it with God...right?...I should be building a relationship with God either way, anyway...
But then again, I'd lose the people I know have always loved me--my friends and family. I'd never be able to see them again. Then what? Then I'd really be alone--well, okay, I take that back, because I'd still have God, who's always there, and the other nuns I'd live with. But knowing me I'd still feel alone...
Wait a minute--didn't I just say that I had friends and family who loved me? Then what the hell am I bitching about?...
Yeah, I know--Jekyll and Hyde over here. Mood swings are pretty much the order of the day for me...
It's just that it hurts so much, you know? I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm 26. Do you know what message that sends? That tells the world that something is wrong with me. It tells people that I've failed somehow, that there's some type of defect, some type of setback. I know deep down that can't be true. I'm not ugly, I'm definitely not stupid...I have my issues, true--and I think that's mainly what contributes to how I view myself, but I know there's nothing wrong with me. Still, it hurts.
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