This is how it began...
Sometime last week, I found my classmate's MySpace profile. I thought it funny that I found it, and I thought that his username was even funnier.
Of course, I sent him a message letting him know that I found him. I have yet to get a response--my belief is that either he's ignoring me on purpose, or his girlfriend forced him not to respond...or it may just be that he hasn't been online lately. Whatever the reason, I got no response from him.
I contacted a friend of mine on MySpace and told him that I found this man's profile. He asked me if I had checked his marital status while I was on his page. I didn't; I was scared to, and besides that, he already told me that he was seeing someone, and while to some that might mean "single and looking," I'm pretty sure that in this case, it meant "committed relationship." (I might still look, just to be sure, but I already have an idea of what it would say.)
On Friday, I told my best friend about the profile, and the conversation we had became my moment of lament, which then turned into my friend lecturing me, telling me to stop talking to other people about him, that I should get over him and move on. As hard as it was to hear--and it brought me to tears, the thought of letting the whole thing go--I knew that my friend was right. I didn't need to waste my life away wanting something I knew I couldn't have.
I have been reading this book that my therapist had recommended, called In the Meantime. It's about learning to love yourself and others unconditionally so that you can have the kind of love experience and relationships that you want. It's been very helpful.
Metaphorically speaking in the author's terms, I know that I've just come out of the basement and am on the first floor of love's house--in other words, I know, or at least have an idea of, what my problem is, and I'm still trying to figure out my first course of action for working through it. So I've still got a bit of a way to go.
How does this fit in with what my friend said? Here's how: After we arrived at work, I decided I wanted to sit somewhere alone and reflect on some things. One of the book's exercises was to quiet your mind and ask your spirit a question, then write down the first answer that comes to mind, and the answer can actually take several forms. (My friend's lecture, in fact, was the answer to a question I had asked a couple of days before.) This time, I asked what it was that got me into my current depressed, bitter state. Here's my answer:
"All my life, I've been under the impression that I'm not good enough and that I'm not worthy, and that I have to prove myself to others...or have something in order to fit in. Starting in my adolescent years, that included a boyfriend. I attribute this in large part to having been placed in special needs classes...beginning in first grade [my behavior was the reason]. Although I did eventually go on to mainstream classes, I still had the stigma of being a 'special' kid attached to me, and I believe that being in special needs classes at least gave me a subconscious impression that I was sub-par. This has crossed over into my adulthood; I still feel I need someone else to make me valid."
(Of course, it didn't form in my mind like this...)
Yeah, I know--that's deep. But that's my theory. I truly believe that this had something to do with how I feel today. I still feel like I'm one of the "special" kids, although I'm not in that environment anymore. I still get paranoid about what others think of me, and I still maintain a defensive stance, ready to jump down someone's throat the minute they say anything negative about my intelligence level--this is what almost cost me my job in January! Also, I wonder if any of my mannerisms make me look stupid or less attractive, and I wonder if I stand to have any prospects of a lasting relationship because of my history.
As my next question, I asked what it was that I really wanted. I have so far listed 14 items, none of which, of course, had anything to do with a boyfriend. Among these, I said I wanted to be loved, honored, respected, and acknowledged.
As I looked back on the personal notes I made for myself, I began to feel a sense of clarity about my situation. I had already knew that my past situations with the boys in middle and high school who didn't like me, and the present-day classmate who let me down easy, were all lessons I needed to learn, something I had to go through in order to grow. I just couldn't fully grasp the idea. I still wanted to believe in the idea that one day, fate would bring my classmate and me together, that one day we'd be an item.
This time, I started to get it. Everything is now starting to make sense, and it's easier for me to let all this crap go and move on with my life. Just like the day when I gave up on my Maryland obsession, I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders--little by little everyday.
I can't even fantasize about this guy anymore--there's no point! Fantasizing about him won't bring us any closer to being together. It won't make him love me any more or love his girlfriend any less. It won't solve any of my problems, so really...what's the point? The fantasies were just a pacifier, a clever distraction from my real issues with myself.
If my classmate ever reads this, I hope he understands where I'm coming from, and that he forgives me for any discomfort I might have caused. I know now that my reason for wanting him was because I thought I needed someone to complete and validate me; knowing this, I can leave him alone.
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