Or, rather, a lack thereof...
Today, I couldn't help but notice a few of the couples around my school's campus, kissing, embracing, talking. And I remembered my own situation--that I'm 26, have only been on one date, and have never been in a relationship.
Most of the time, it's not a big deal; I get along just fine on my own. But sometimes I do think about it, and I get kind of lonely and depressed.
I know it's mainly my fault. In high school and even after high school, I had never given anyone a chance to approach me, partly out of fear and partly out of my inability to trust my own feelings. When a guy would approach me, I would get jumpy, afraid that he might try to rape me eventually. (This is mainly because back in 2004, I was attacked by a man at a bus stop; thank God he didn't get far enough with me to rape me, because my bus came and scared him off, but it still left me extremely anxious, wary, and hypervigilant.) And when I would become attracted to someone--like what's happening now--I would shut down, out of the fear that history would repeat itself and I would be miserable again.
Despite all this, I still wish I had a significant other in my life, someone whom I could love who would love me and make me happy, someone who would be my best friend as well as my lover, someone who would be my equal, my other half. It seems that everyone has that except for me.
I know that I have a lot of things to sort through, though, and I want to do all I can to work on these issues before I try to pursue any kind of relationship. In the meantime, it will be kind of unbearable to look at other people on campus cuddled up...
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