Well, I talked to him again, and...

I asked the guy in my class if we could step out into the hall and talk for a minute, and I had mentioned the past two weeks, and that I had hugged him the week before. And I admitted to him that I had been looking at him for the past month.

Well, he told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to lead me on, if that's what he did, and that he was seeing someone. He said he thought I was "awesome," but that it wouldn't work out because he already had someone in his life.

He asked if I was okay. I said I was, but of course I wasn't. No one saw it, but while I was in class, I sat at my desk and wept. Then I went to the bathroom after class and just stood in one place and cried. (I'm still crying, as I write this post.)

While I was in the bathroom, one of the counsellors saw me and asked me what was the matter, and I told her. She made me feel a little better about it, saying that I should look at this as a blessing in disguise, because he could have continued to lead me on and taken advantage of me, but didn't.

I also called my mom, who told me that I shouldn't have let my emotions get involved and should have taken things slow. I thought I was doing that, but when she mentioned "two weeks," I thought about it for a minute. She's right--I didn't give him much of a chance.

She's suggesting that I go home and rest it off before going to work. I'll certainly try to, but that might be easier said than done...I don't know. I just know that I'm really depressed right now.

Part of the reason I feel so let down, obviously, is the fact that I am 26 and have never been in love or in a relationship with anyone, and this is just another one of many disappointments, many emotional blows. I think to myself, "What gives? What's it going to take? Is this always going to be what I get? Am I going to have to reach midlife before I finally have a significant other in my life? When's my chance going to come?" Being in love is something I've never experienced before, and it hurts when every time I'm interested in someone, either he's taken, or he can't stand me, or both.

I at least give this man credit for letting me down easily and letting me know how he felt, as opposed to shutting me out and pushing me away altogether, because that still could have been a possibility.

Well...I guess it's time for me to go back to what I was doing before--focusing on Airen. What happened to that, anyway?...

Found a four-leaf clover on the way back from Murphy's...

I was standing on the bus stop across the street from the store, taking a few photos, and I dropped my umbrella. I bent down to pick it up, then I saw the clover, and I picked it.

So, what does this mean, and why am I writing this? Well, I don't know. I am a bit of a magical thinker, though, and maybe this is a sign of good things to come. Who knows? Maybe my classmate and I will hook up, after all...LOL.

Speaking of which, I have been talking to him...and flirting. At first, it was a little disturbing to me, because up until now, I had never flirted with any guy ever in my life (sure, I've made out with a couple of guys before, but it was more spontaneous, and I was a lot more desperate back then than I am now), and also because I didn't know how it was going to affect him (I still think about that often). But it's starting to not be such a big deal. He's been surprisingly easy to talk to, and it turns out that he's kind of sweet. Not what I expected at all.

Actually, I've been kind of depressed about him, because I still wonder if he has a girlfriend. I doubt that he's involved with the girl in our class, but there's someone else he might be with. There's this one blonde chick whom I always see him talking to, and I fear that that might be his girlfriend. She's also been present for a few class projects. When I think about her, it makes me really nervous about my situation with this man, and now I'm afraid that I really will find out in some fucked up way that he has a girlfriend (i.e., his girlfriend makes herself known by confronting me, or I see them kissing in a hallway, or if you really want to get extreme, I could walk in on them having sex in the auditorium of the Hartford Building!). At any rate, if I find out he does have a girlfriend, I'm going to feel really guilty about flirting with him...

I guess that's where that clover came in today. Maybe God meant for me to find the clover because He saw how depressed I was and wanted me to cheer up. Well, it did make me feel a lot better than I was feeling...

What ever happened to simpler days?...

I do think that a lot. And I often answer by saying to myself that simpler days ended in 1992, when I started liking boys. I might also say that they ended when I was in high school, during which I had become the brunt of everyone's jokes.

The truth is, however, that simpler days never left. I've had simpler days, but because I have to analyze and catastrophize and obsess about every damn thing, instead of just living the day-to-day, even simpler days become extremely difficult.

Anxiety is a horrible thing, especially when it's chronic like mine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Just thought I'd get that off my chest. I apologize if it doesn't make sense...

I showed the "thou shalt not covet" post again...this time, to my dad.

He said the same thing my friend said, of course--that I was selling myself short and shutting myself down.

He also talked about how I always tend to come up with negative scenarios about what might happen. It's true, LOL. I do scenarize a lot about the future, and nine times out of ten, it's something negative. But I always have this idea that by drawing up these negative scenarios in my head, I am somehow preparing myself for what's to come--that these scenarios are a way to cushion whatever future blows I might expect.

And Dad didn't think that the thing with "Leviathan" popping up in my head was God sending me a warning. He felt that the word was already in my head, since I had seen it in the Bible before, and that perhaps it was just a coincidence that it popped up. Sometimes I like to think that maybe it was and I just took it too seriously, but it seemed to fit so well into my situation that I felt it had to mean something.

So I guess that's it--my friend's said it, my dad's said it, and everyone I spoke to in between said it. So I guess I should just quit being a wuss and talk to the man. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Either way, I'll be alright.

I showed yesterday's post to a friend...and she gave me a lecture.

Yesterday, after I posted, I decided to print out a copy of my post to keep with me. Then last night, on the way to work, I showed my post to a friend of mine.

It didn't take long for her to start in on me. She gave me this long lecture about it. She feels that my post about envy and learning to be happy for someone else's good fortune was a way of shutting myself down and selling myself short. "You haven't even talked to the man," she said, "and you're already thinking ten steps ahead!" She insisted that I was backing myself into a corner, and that I needed to stop being afraid and take a chance. I talked to others about it before and after work, and they all say the same thing.

I know this. I understand that I'll never know unless I take a chance. But it's much easier said than done. Speaking from my experience, I believe it would hard for me to just approach someone--to just walk up and say "Hey, how are you doin?"--without being looked at as if I'm crazy. In my specific case, the guy already knows me, and he knows how quiet and seclusive I usually am, and if I decide one day to just all of a sudden approach him and say "hi," he might first wonder why the sudden change and then wonder why I chose to approach him specifically.

I figure that at that point, he'd probably catch on that I have a crush on him, and depending on how he'd take it, he'd either let me down easy, cuss me out, or just avoid me like the plague. He may even go so far as to file harrassment charges against me. (A male acquaintance of mine told me that men don't file harassment charges, but I'm pretty sure that at least one guy has before.)

I know, I know--I shouldn't be so negative, and he probably wouldn't do all that. But I think it would still put him in an awkward position if I was to decide to just walk up to him and say "hi" to him out of the clear blue, especially if I've never directly communicated with him before.

Maybe I'm wrong about this; maybe he wouldn't feel awkward about it. Maybe I should just go ahead and take that leap and stop stressing about it. The worst he can do is say, "Don't talk to me, I don't like you, go away, I already have a girlfriend." The worst he could do is avoid me. But I'll never know unless I try.

Late for a photo shoot...great.

I was supposed to show up on campus this morning at 10:00 to shoot an assignment for my photography class. Well, I end up oversleeping, and I get there about half an hour late. One of the professors is standing in the photo lab, and I know it's because I didn't show up that he's there. So of course, I go into complete panic and throw an absolute tizzy fit.

See, the rules of the photo studio say that if you are late for an assignment, you are suspended from the studio for two weeks--in other words, you can't use the studio unless it's empty. The problem for me is that, because I had left the door to one of the Mac labs open, I'm already not allowed to be in any of the labs alone, including the studio. So in my case, I'm not allowed to use the studio at all. Can you blame me for bawling, then?...

The professor still allows me to use the studio, though, explaining that there's no one in there, so there's no reason I can't use it. I'm standing there for a minute, dumbfounded, but I figure that this is his way of saying, "Just go ahead and do what you have to do, shut up and quit arguing before I change my mind." So no problem--I listen, and I head to the studio. While I'm in the studio, he warns me that if I make another scene, I won't be able to use anything ever again.

I'm thinking, "Wow, that ought to be easy, knowing my track record." So now I'm sitting here, anxious and afraid that I'm going to go off again, anyway, because I have so many times in the past. I'm a very emotional, thinker, which I know is perhaps my greatest weakness. I've always been known to react before I think, and it's always gotten me into trouble. This time around is no different.

As I've said before, I think my main problem with situations like these is that I think too much, and I don't trust myself enough. With the kind of past I have, it's hard to do so. Still, that's not good.

I'm beginning to really see how my anxiety is disrupting different aspects of my daily life--first at work, and now at school. I know I haven't been using my AA&D program--I stopped after going back over session 6--and that's a problem, because without it, this happens. The program has helped me cope with daily life better. But it's no good if I don't use it.

I'm supposed to start session 7, but it's been a while, so I'll probably just start from the beginning again, just to get back on track. I also need to start using my relaxation tape again.

This situation was a wake-up call for me, and looking back, I can see what I need to do. I just need to have some faith and believe in myself.

"Thou shalt not covet another's property."

Alright...so I was in video class today--I guess I'm kind of giving it away then--and I really didn't want to be there because he would be there. I took some Tylenol just to calm my nerves.

Well, there's this girl in my class who's always talking to him, and I kept seeing them within close proximity of one another. I'm starting to think that maybe they've hooked up and just haven't made it obvious, or they're flirting and will hook up eventually. This made me kind of upset, the thought of them hooking up. This means that I don't stand a chance, no matter what I do...

You know, I am by no means a religious person (far from it!), but I've had this thing since middle school where if I liked someone or was attracted to them, and then found out, or at least suspected, that they were with someone else, the Tenth Commandment--Thou shalt not covet another's property--would always pop up in my head, kind of like it's my mind's way of saying, "Shame on you!" The word "covetous" would always pop up in my head, too, and I would feel as if I'm the definition of it. And I would feel guilty and beat myself up every chance I got, because after all, I did covet another's property, by liking someone else's boyfriend...

That's exactly what's happening now. I'm convinced that this guy is well on his way to hooking up with this girl in my class--so convinced, in fact, that if I was to walk in on them having sex in the auditorium of the Hartford Building, I'd hardly be surprised. And I keep thinking about what a covetous bitch I must be to want him when his sights are clearly set on someone else.

Another thing happened to me today while on campus: For some reason, the word "Leviathan" popped up in my head. I had a feeling that it had to do with my current situation. So I got online and looked it up. According to Wikipedia, Leviathan is a sea creature mentioned in the Bible, which I guess represents the evils of Earth (at least that's what I get from it). What really got my attention, though, was that St. Thomas Aquinas described it as "the demon of envy."

Wow--I think God is trying to tell me something here. I think He's trying to get me to take a good look at the way I'm acting. I think He's hinting to me that, yes, this guy is with someone else, and no, I shouldn't be upset about it, but rather, I should just bow out graciously, leave the man alone, and be happy that he found love with someone, even if that someone isn't me.

I know I should be happy for him, if that's the case; I want to be happy for him. But when I've never been in love myself, when I've never had a romantic relationship myself, it's very hard for me to be happy. I know that's a selfish way to be, though, and I seriously need to work on that.

Revisiting the relationship issue...

Or, rather, a lack thereof...

Today, I couldn't help but notice a few of the couples around my school's campus, kissing, embracing, talking. And I remembered my own situation--that I'm 26, have only been on one date, and have never been in a relationship.

Most of the time, it's not a big deal; I get along just fine on my own. But sometimes I do think about it, and I get kind of lonely and depressed.

I know it's mainly my fault. In high school and even after high school, I had never given anyone a chance to approach me, partly out of fear and partly out of my inability to trust my own feelings. When a guy would approach me, I would get jumpy, afraid that he might try to rape me eventually. (This is mainly because back in 2004, I was attacked by a man at a bus stop; thank God he didn't get far enough with me to rape me, because my bus came and scared him off, but it still left me extremely anxious, wary, and hypervigilant.) And when I would become attracted to someone--like what's happening now--I would shut down, out of the fear that history would repeat itself and I would be miserable again.

Despite all this, I still wish I had a significant other in my life, someone whom I could love who would love me and make me happy, someone who would be my best friend as well as my lover, someone who would be my equal, my other half. It seems that everyone has that except for me.

I know that I have a lot of things to sort through, though, and I want to do all I can to work on these issues before I try to pursue any kind of relationship. In the meantime, it will be kind of unbearable to look at other people on campus cuddled up...

One obsession in exchange for another?...

Before I continue, I guess I have a confession to make...

I've already stated that I've had anxiety and depression for many years. Well, for much of my adolescence and early adulthood, I've had another problem: obsessions.

That's right--obsessions. It started when I was 10 years old, and I saw whom I believed to be the cutest guy in the entire school walk into my classroom. Since then, I had been off him like crazy; I couldn't stop thinking about him. My entire life revolved around him...then I found out--or at least he told me--that he had a girlfriend named Tweety.

From that point on, I had tortured myself with thoughts about her--the way she looked (of course, I assumed she was prettier than me, since she was with him and I wasn't), how many times they kissed, and after my sex education class, I wondered if they had had sex, and if so, how many times. I would still look at him a lot, wondering who Tweety was, what she had that I didn't, and why he didn't like me. He would say fucked-up things to me, like I was fat and ugly, and my breath stank. I remember he made me cry one day at the lunch table. Another time, I had written an apology note to him, and he threw it in the trash without even reading it.

Things like this had continued into middle school and high school, with three other guys, at a much worse magnitude--at least it seemed to me. The last one was a guy I had obsessed over for five years, between eighth grade and twelfth grade. He had called me a sea monster in eighth and ninth grade--I'm surprised he said nothing about my weight--and said all kinds of things behind my back, often within earshot of me. (Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes.) Eventually other kids, mostly girls, got involved in the bashfest, and a lot of them pretended to be my friends. My situation and how I handled it earned me the reputation of the "stupid crazy girl" in class, and I quickly became an outcast, and so did anyone who hung around me.

A year after I graduated, there was a guy at my workplace that I really liked, and it did eventually did become an obsession, although not as bad as in high school. But I did eventually get in trouble for giving him dirty looks--I was paranoid and afraid that he didn't like me--and was accused by HR of sexual harrassment and moved to another area, away from him. Later on, he got fired for something unrelated. End of that.

Sometime in 2002, I was bagging packages for a town in Maryland called Hagerstown. Eventually I became obsessed with this, too, and that summer, I sent some prank e-mails to a bunch of girls living there, and then I sent some prank letters that December to some businesses there. I later apologized to them for these things, but I still talked about my obsession at length on the DreamMoods message boards for a long time. This obsession lasted for six years, and along with the message board confessions, there were other, stranger occurences which I couldn't quite explain here.

Finally, on March 17 of this year, I let go of the city obsession. But something else happened days later.

Lately, I've become attracted to a guy who's in one of my classes, and I've had various scenarios of what would happen if we hooked up, if I found out he had a girlfriend, and if he found out about my crush on him. I've even had thoughts about him and his girlfriend wanting to kill me.

The thoughts about us together started first, of course--just innocent thoughts at first, then gradually, a few of them became sexual fantasies. And I found these to be greatly disturbing, because I didn't see him this way at first, and still didn't want to see him this way. I have gotten to the point where I don't trust my own intentions, and so I was afraid that this crush would become an obsession, and that because we're adults--I'm 26, he's 27--there would be extremely serious consequences this time around, up to and including someone (most likely me) getting arrested, and possibly even someone's (most likely mine or his) death.

Yeah, I know--this sounds like I'm being paranoid. But after years of much of the same (except for criminal charges and death, of course), could you blame me for expecting the worst from this?...

Looking back, though, I think I know where all this came from. Being depressed for a long time, of course, I've always felt alone, even with the love of God, family, and the support of friends, and I've always wanted someone to like me and accept me for who I am. That's where I believe that all these guys come in--it's not really about them so much as it is about me. I had so little self-esteem and self-confidence that I continued to pursue them, even when they said horrible things to and about me. Even now, I anticipate what my afternoon classmate might say, and that I will still want him when all is said and done.

As far as Hagerstown is concerned, I think it was just a result of me wanting to run away from my problems at home. I remember that I have always wanted to leave Louisville and move elsewhere, because being here has brought me nothing but misery and disappointment over the past 15 years. (I still want to move away!) But as we all know, running away from one's problems never solves them--if I was to move, then come back home to visit, my problems would still be there, still unsolved.

I know that in order for others--that is, those outside my immediate circle--to like and accept me, I have to like and accept me first. That's been a major problem for me over the years, made worse by the ridicule, taunts, and backstabbing of others. But I've been working on it, with the help of God, family, friends, and my program. I've just recently started to realize that my life does have worth, and that while I may not have accomplished some larger-than-life feat, I have accomplished some things in my life, some of which many have not. I feel blessed when I realize how much I truly do have. For this, why would I want to run away?...

Another delay, I know...sorry.

But there's been a lot going on lately. I've been a bit backed up in my photo class, and I've been helping with projects in my video class, including shooting my own project. (I'm not sure whether or not we're going to be putting our videos online.) Also, I'm caught up in paying state taxes, so I won't be able to afford getting any new clothes (which I need badly), or get my hair done (which I also need badly), or do anything else until I pay those off. It's actually not much, but then I don't get paid much either, so...