I think I've hit a revelation...

This is how it began...

Sometime last week, I found my classmate's MySpace profile. I thought it funny that I found it, and I thought that his username was even funnier.

Of course, I sent him a message letting him know that I found him. I have yet to get a response--my belief is that either he's ignoring me on purpose, or his girlfriend forced him not to respond...or it may just be that he hasn't been online lately. Whatever the reason, I got no response from him.

I contacted a friend of mine on MySpace and told him that I found this man's profile. He asked me if I had checked his marital status while I was on his page. I didn't; I was scared to, and besides that, he already told me that he was seeing someone, and while to some that might mean "single and looking," I'm pretty sure that in this case, it meant "committed relationship." (I might still look, just to be sure, but I already have an idea of what it would say.)

On Friday, I told my best friend about the profile, and the conversation we had became my moment of lament, which then turned into my friend lecturing me, telling me to stop talking to other people about him, that I should get over him and move on. As hard as it was to hear--and it brought me to tears, the thought of letting the whole thing go--I knew that my friend was right. I didn't need to waste my life away wanting something I knew I couldn't have.

I have been reading this book that my therapist had recommended, called In the Meantime. It's about learning to love yourself and others unconditionally so that you can have the kind of love experience and relationships that you want. It's been very helpful.

Metaphorically speaking in the author's terms, I know that I've just come out of the basement and am on the first floor of love's house--in other words, I know, or at least have an idea of, what my problem is, and I'm still trying to figure out my first course of action for working through it. So I've still got a bit of a way to go.

How does this fit in with what my friend said? Here's how: After we arrived at work, I decided I wanted to sit somewhere alone and reflect on some things. One of the book's exercises was to quiet your mind and ask your spirit a question, then write down the first answer that comes to mind, and the answer can actually take several forms. (My friend's lecture, in fact, was the answer to a question I had asked a couple of days before.) This time, I asked what it was that got me into my current depressed, bitter state. Here's my answer:

"All my life, I've been under the impression that I'm not good enough and that I'm not worthy, and that I have to prove myself to others...or have something in order to fit in. Starting in my adolescent years, that included a boyfriend. I attribute this in large part to having been placed in special needs classes...beginning in first grade [my behavior was the reason]. Although I did eventually go on to mainstream classes, I still had the stigma of being a 'special' kid attached to me, and I believe that being in special needs classes at least gave me a subconscious impression that I was sub-par. This has crossed over into my adulthood; I still feel I need someone else to make me valid."

(Of course, it didn't form in my mind like this...)

Yeah, I know--that's deep. But that's my theory. I truly believe that this had something to do with how I feel today. I still feel like I'm one of the "special" kids, although I'm not in that environment anymore. I still get paranoid about what others think of me, and I still maintain a defensive stance, ready to jump down someone's throat the minute they say anything negative about my intelligence level--this is what almost cost me my job in January! Also, I wonder if any of my mannerisms make me look stupid or less attractive, and I wonder if I stand to have any prospects of a lasting relationship because of my history.

As my next question, I asked what it was that I really wanted. I have so far listed 14 items, none of which, of course, had anything to do with a boyfriend. Among these, I said I wanted to be loved, honored, respected, and acknowledged.

As I looked back on the personal notes I made for myself, I began to feel a sense of clarity about my situation. I had already knew that my past situations with the boys in middle and high school who didn't like me, and the present-day classmate who let me down easy, were all lessons I needed to learn, something I had to go through in order to grow. I just couldn't fully grasp the idea. I still wanted to believe in the idea that one day, fate would bring my classmate and me together, that one day we'd be an item.

This time, I started to get it. Everything is now starting to make sense, and it's easier for me to let all this crap go and move on with my life. Just like the day when I gave up on my Maryland obsession, I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders--little by little everyday.

I can't even fantasize about this guy anymore--there's no point! Fantasizing about him won't bring us any closer to being together. It won't make him love me any more or love his girlfriend any less. It won't solve any of my problems, so really...what's the point? The fantasies were just a pacifier, a clever distraction from my real issues with myself.

If my classmate ever reads this, I hope he understands where I'm coming from, and that he forgives me for any discomfort I might have caused. I know now that my reason for wanting him was because I thought I needed someone to complete and validate me; knowing this, I can leave him alone.

I'm going to Glassworks today... :)

It's a field trip for my art history class. I'm kind of excited because I've always wanted to go.

I wonder why I don't visit museums and galleries more often (or do other things that interest me for that matter). Perhaps price is an issue, but what other excuses do I have? Depression over someone else's boyfriend? Going back to the past? Worring about every damn thing that goes on in my life?...

Not good enough excuses for anything. But they are clever distractions. Because of all this and other things, I do often find myself shut away, secluded, unable to focus...but doesn't everyone when it comes to this?...

Nope...haven't left him alone yet...still depressed.

Now I'm waiting for his girlfriend to announce that she's having his baby...and that she wants to get married...thereby forever fucking up the chances that I might end up with this guy one day... unless they divorce...and of course, it wouldn't be honorable to hope that they do...

But I'm so sad, and I'm tired of missing out on love. I'm tired of being behind everyone else. When are things going to change?...

I'm sorry--I know I said two months back that if I really care about this guy, I should be happy for him. And I know that what I'm saying makes me sound really selfish, but I can't take it! I want this man in my life. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I feel like I've waited too long, and like I'm running out of time--I am 26 and still without my first lover, while most women my age have had at least two or three by now.

You know, sometime back--I think it was a couple of years ago--I had told my older sister that if I didn't find love by my 30th birthday, I would join a convent. She told me that my reason for joining a convent should be my love for God, not my lack of a mortal lovelife. I know all this, but sometimes I still think that maybe I should--after all, if I can't find love with mortal men, I can still find it with God...right?...I should be building a relationship with God either way, anyway...

But then again, I'd lose the people I know have always loved me--my friends and family. I'd never be able to see them again. Then what? Then I'd really be alone--well, okay, I take that back, because I'd still have God, who's always there, and the other nuns I'd live with. But knowing me I'd still feel alone...

Wait a minute--didn't I just say that I had friends and family who loved me? Then what the hell am I bitching about?...

Yeah, I know--Jekyll and Hyde over here. Mood swings are pretty much the order of the day for me...

It's just that it hurts so much, you know? I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm 26. Do you know what message that sends? That tells the world that something is wrong with me. It tells people that I've failed somehow, that there's some type of defect, some type of setback. I know deep down that can't be true. I'm not ugly, I'm definitely not stupid...I have my issues, true--and I think that's mainly what contributes to how I view myself, but I know there's nothing wrong with me. Still, it hurts.

Okay, so it's been a month...

More than a month, actually...

Since my last post, I did talk to this guy. Well, actually, I just joked around with him some more. I tried really hard to hide how I was really feeling. So I didn't say anything about the fact that he left me in tears that entire week. Instead, I told him that I had a disturbing sex dream about an acquaintance from work (which I enjoyed O_o) and that it was his fault. LOL.

In the following session that Thursday, our last session, my classmates and I helped shoot a commercial. My crush and I joked around then, too. He said he would be gone on a two-week trip to Europe, starting the following week. I told him I would stalk him when he got back--I was teasing, of course.

But something got in the way to steer me from that. I got a call from my dad saying that my grandmother was in the hospital. So I went up to see her. The whole family was there, and we went in two by two into the ICU to see her.

Two days later, she passed away. The week of the funeral, I was on vacation from work, and my classmate was in Europe, which I was also very sad over. Seriously--I cried off and on over this guy while he was away, along with the fact that he was with another woman already, and the fact that my grandmother had just died.

I saw him again on Memorial Day, when I went to eat at the restaurant he works at. He passed me by a few times, but didn't turn to greet me. I thought to myself, "Well, maybe he didn't recognize me without my scarf on." (I wore my scarf on my head during the remainder of the spring semester because my hair needed to be done badly, and I didn't have a chance to get it done until the end of the semester.) But then I started thinking, "What if he ignored me on purpose? What if he's trying to avoid me?!" This sounds kind of paranoid, I know. But then I consider the fact that he does know that I liked him, and I did say I was going to stalk him when he got back from Europe, even though I was just playing. So it's quite possible that despite my very best efforts, history may very well repeat itself, anyway...figures.

So I was officially back on him, with my "sinful" thoughts of making out with him (can't think about sex; he has a girlfriend) and my scenarios about his girlfriend wanting to bludgeon me with a Louisville Slugger if she ever found out I liked him (and me having to kill a bitch for attacking me!). But this hasn't gotten very far. See, on the 6th of this month, I got a call from my mom saying that my other grandmother was in the hospital. So I went to see her. The only people there were my parents, one of my aunts, my sisters, my older brother, and one of my nephews.

Well, two days later, my other grandmother died. So I've lost both of my grandmothers in less than a month's time.

Both losses hit me and my family pretty hard. How do I know I can't deal with something like this? Simple--when I start having disturbing obsessive thoughts to distract me from my grief. I know it's a subconscious reflex, but I still can't deal with it. I end up losing much of the time I would have spent grieving. This same thing happened when my grandfather died three years ago.

Another thing happens, too: The day before my other grandmother's funeral, the assistant asked me if I was okay, because I looked flushed. I felt fine, rationalizing that I must have felt a bit warm because I had just been walking in 90-plus-degree weather. But I know now that it was because I'm dealing with the deaths of two loved ones. The funny thing is that it's never happened before. (Not that this matters; just thought I'd mention it.)

All being said, the past month's been pretty rough. But I'm holding together, same as everyone else.