To be clear, I still have no desire to see Loving the Bad Man. On that my stance doesn't change. I still feel that most sexual predators are not repentant and therefore do not deserve forgiveness. And I still believe in not casting pearls before swine.
But tonight I had somewhat of a debate with family members about pregnancies due to rape--which seems to be one of the popular topics nowadays, especially in politics. I mentioned the movie and my sisters felt that I was being unfair and judgmental by disagreeing with the protagonist's decision to forgive her attacker.
I brought up one of my views from last time--if I get raped, and get pregnant, it's still about me. My family seems to disagree with that. Their argument is that when you have a child, it's no longer about you, whatever the circumstance.
I argued that the rapist already conveys the same message through his actions, and that the victim does not need the message repeated because it makes matters worse.
My father, I believe, explained it best: When you have a child, your love for that child should be unconditional. Her needs should be your priority from the start, and your problems are not her concern. If you can't devote yourself to that child from day one, you shouldn't be involved in her life.
He also said if it had happened to me, he would advise me, at best, to give up the baby if I couldn't handle it. Because I'm so sensitive, he said, he doesn't think I'd take it too well.
To be honest, I don't either. I mean, I've already said I'd keep the baby, and I like to think that perhaps over time, some of my views may change. But I don't think I'd take it well--I actually already established this, too, so I won't belabor.
My main concern is this: When something like this happens, it's a sudden thing. Suddenly, you can't live the way you want to anymore. Suddenly, you go from being number 1 to being number 2 (being last means putting everyone before you; I will never be "last"). Suddenly, over 18 years, you're spending at least $200,000, possibly struggling financially to boot--all because of one man's actions, you go from having everything under control to having to survive from one day to the next.
I also said that I would tell my child the truth--I am against lying to children because I'm against keeping them in a bubble of ignorance. I wouldn't tell her the truth straight out of the womb, mind you, but I wouldn't wait until they were grown for them to find out the truth either. I personally thought--and I didn't say this--that 7 was a good age, because that's when children start to think logically.
This got shot down, too. My dad let me know, in a sense, how selfish it would sound if I did this: "You'd tell the truth about what he did to you...about everything going on with you."
I guess if you put it that way it would sound selfish. But then again, raping a woman is selfish, isn't it?...
Anyway, after giving some thought to it I might need to rethink some things.
I agree that when you have a child, it's not 100% about you, but at the same time, it's not 0% about you, either. You still matter. I would still matter. I still would have things I'd want to do with my life, and I made it a point last time that I'd still do them.
I still wouldn't take my child to see the baby in prison, even if it's only to show my rapist that, in my sister's words, "he didn't break me" (unless the rapist agreed to pay child support!). A rapist doesn't deserve credit for bringing a child into the world. Showing him the baby gives him incentive, and it gives him more ammunition against me should he be released and decide to retaliate. I can prove my survival by simply going on--not forgetting, not forgiving, but going on.
If this happened to me I would genuinely want to try my best to prioritize my baby. But I'd also want others to be patient with me and give me a break, because I'd still be recovering from an unthinkable trauma, and the pregnancy would no doubt make things harder.
As for telling my child the truth? I don't know. I don't want to give her a complex, but I don't want to spend 18 years lying or playing the Artful Dodger either. I would want her to know the truth, but in a way that's not hurtful, and in a way in which she still knows that she's a gift from God (and that what her father did isn't) and she's very much loved.
I rest my case...for now.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Bad men don't deserve love...
…At least, certain ones don’t.
Those who don’t would include serial killers, evil dictators, cult leaders…and of course, rapists.
So what, exactly, am I getting at?...
Recently, I watched the Today Show, and Kathie Lee and Hoda were talking to Stephen Baldwin, Alec Baldwin's born-again brother. He was discussing a not-so-new Christian film he had starred in, called Loving the Bad Man. It's about a 23-year-old conservative Christian woman who loses her virginity to a rapist on a dark, lonely, stretch of road one night after he fixes her car, all the while in a drunken stupor. (Isn't that how these things usually happen?...) She discovers she's pregnant, and nine months later, gives birth to a baby boy. She decides to take the brave step of visiting her rapist in prison and forgiving him, even taking Junior along for the trip so the rapist could see the beautiful child they created together.
According to the synopsis and the trailer, this proves difficult at first (hmmm...I wonder why), but eventually, he sees his chance at redemption through his victim, and the two develop a bond.
I've never seen the movie, but I have seen the trailer on YouTube (which doesn't give adequate enough details about the film if you ask me) and read the synopsis. Based on what I know already, I have a feeling that if I ever did see this movie, my stomach would want to turn hundredfold.
The idea that anyone, no matter how devoted to God they are, would want to forgive something that heinous and that animalistic, especially if it results in a pregnancy which, over the course of the first 18 to 20 years of the child's life, would cost the victim at least $200,000 out-of-pocket (possibly even if she gets assistance), sickens me. I'm sorry, but it does. I think that being raped, especially if you end up with AIDS or a baby you're not even halfway ready for, is the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman, worse than death even. You have to live with what you endured for the rest of your life, while as far as the attacker is concerned, it's a quick one-two punch, and it's over...provided he doesn't get caught (which seems to be the case a lot of the time). What's more, the rapist gets what, 10 or 15 tops behind bars?! That's not near enough. Rapists, like murderers do, should get life, because that's how long it likely takes for their victims to recover.
Even if someone can find it in their heart to forgive a rapist, I seriously doubt it would only take nine months to do so. I can see years. I can't see months. I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that if this happened to me, I'd just take one look at my new bundle of joy and then all of a sudden get the revelation that I should forgive the loser who forced the baby inside my body. And I definitely would not take her (yes, her--I'd be praying hard for a girl) to prison to meet her father. He would have lost his parental rights the night of the attack. Plus, think about how this is going to affect the little one. "Come on, baby. Let's go meet Daddy in jail. He'll probably turn himself around when he meets you." Seriously?! And I shudder to think that the movie ended with the victim marrying the rapist or having lunch in the park with him and her son or some crazy shit like that (it probably did)...
Don't get me wrong--I do believe in forgiveness. But forgiveness requires repentance, and to my knowledge, most sexual predators are not repentant. Most of them, I believe, are just pure evil and wouldn't give a damn about their victims' forgiveness or compassion, anyway. So why waste one's time?...
Yes, Jesus taught us to forgive those who have wronged us (if they are truly sorry), and yes, He told us to love our enemies. But He also told us not to cast pearls before swine--not to waste all our energy trying to save someone who's truly dark-spirited (at least that's what I get from it). They alone have to save themselves. So "loving the bad man" is more often than not unnecessary.
I know I obsess over this issue, perhaps more than I need to. But it's only because this concerns me so much. It has always been a concern of mine, even when I was as young as 11 or 12. I have always feared it would happen to me, and have always hated to hear about it happen to someone else--especially if it resulted in a pregnancy, a bad reputation, or something like AIDS, and if the man or men responsible got away with it.
I have often meditated on what I would do if I, a 30-year-old night-shift worker/part-time student, were to, say, be pulled into an alley and raped on my way out to work or home from work, and become pregnant. There was a time when I had said that I would put the baby up for adoption, or perhaps have someone in the family adopt the baby (abortion was always out of the question, with the exception of my life being at risk), mainly because I was concerned with affordability, but also because I wouldn't know how to accept my baby's presence.
Being a little older and assessing the situation a little more carefully, I think I would keep the baby, but due to the possible psychological repercussions of the rape, as well as my own emotional sensitivity, I would likely find it difficult to fully accept the baby in the beginning. Because I would expect to lose a lot, I would likely lament over what the child's father would have cost me. I would also be concerned with my child's care while I'm away at work--who would sit up with a baby between 10:00 in the night and 5:00 in the morning?...
Also--and this is very important--the last thing I would want to hear out of anyone's mouth is that it's not about me, or how my body isn't mine anymore. As I told someone on DreamMoods, if I've been raped, it is about me. Even if it's true that my body isn't 100% mine anymore, I wouldn't want to hear it in a case like this, especially considering that my attacker would have already conveyed this same message to me through his actions. So dear loved ones, if worse should come to worse in this manner, do not say this to me.
(The person on DreamMoods also said that a victim could simply get counseling to help her deal with this cold, harsh reality. But considering that she has a baby on the way, she likely wouldn't be able to afford therapy, and even so, who wants to pay a therapist 100-some-odd dollars an hour to tell them that their body belongs to someone else?...)
I'd still go to school, of course--a baby would be all the more a reason to keep going--and I'd try really hard to look for a job with the degree I already have. I'd still continue writing stories, journaling my dreams, and in general being a weirdo. None of that would change. I'd fight like hell to be the same Airen I've always been.
But I would never, in my life, or in any lifetimes following this one, forgive the man who initiated the changes by forcing himself on me.
According to the synopsis and the trailer, this proves difficult at first (hmmm...I wonder why), but eventually, he sees his chance at redemption through his victim, and the two develop a bond.
I've never seen the movie, but I have seen the trailer on YouTube (which doesn't give adequate enough details about the film if you ask me) and read the synopsis. Based on what I know already, I have a feeling that if I ever did see this movie, my stomach would want to turn hundredfold.
The idea that anyone, no matter how devoted to God they are, would want to forgive something that heinous and that animalistic, especially if it results in a pregnancy which, over the course of the first 18 to 20 years of the child's life, would cost the victim at least $200,000 out-of-pocket (possibly even if she gets assistance), sickens me. I'm sorry, but it does. I think that being raped, especially if you end up with AIDS or a baby you're not even halfway ready for, is the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman, worse than death even. You have to live with what you endured for the rest of your life, while as far as the attacker is concerned, it's a quick one-two punch, and it's over...provided he doesn't get caught (which seems to be the case a lot of the time). What's more, the rapist gets what, 10 or 15 tops behind bars?! That's not near enough. Rapists, like murderers do, should get life, because that's how long it likely takes for their victims to recover.
Even if someone can find it in their heart to forgive a rapist, I seriously doubt it would only take nine months to do so. I can see years. I can't see months. I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that if this happened to me, I'd just take one look at my new bundle of joy and then all of a sudden get the revelation that I should forgive the loser who forced the baby inside my body. And I definitely would not take her (yes, her--I'd be praying hard for a girl) to prison to meet her father. He would have lost his parental rights the night of the attack. Plus, think about how this is going to affect the little one. "Come on, baby. Let's go meet Daddy in jail. He'll probably turn himself around when he meets you." Seriously?! And I shudder to think that the movie ended with the victim marrying the rapist or having lunch in the park with him and her son or some crazy shit like that (it probably did)...
Don't get me wrong--I do believe in forgiveness. But forgiveness requires repentance, and to my knowledge, most sexual predators are not repentant. Most of them, I believe, are just pure evil and wouldn't give a damn about their victims' forgiveness or compassion, anyway. So why waste one's time?...
Yes, Jesus taught us to forgive those who have wronged us (if they are truly sorry), and yes, He told us to love our enemies. But He also told us not to cast pearls before swine--not to waste all our energy trying to save someone who's truly dark-spirited (at least that's what I get from it). They alone have to save themselves. So "loving the bad man" is more often than not unnecessary.
I know I obsess over this issue, perhaps more than I need to. But it's only because this concerns me so much. It has always been a concern of mine, even when I was as young as 11 or 12. I have always feared it would happen to me, and have always hated to hear about it happen to someone else--especially if it resulted in a pregnancy, a bad reputation, or something like AIDS, and if the man or men responsible got away with it.
I have often meditated on what I would do if I, a 30-year-old night-shift worker/part-time student, were to, say, be pulled into an alley and raped on my way out to work or home from work, and become pregnant. There was a time when I had said that I would put the baby up for adoption, or perhaps have someone in the family adopt the baby (abortion was always out of the question, with the exception of my life being at risk), mainly because I was concerned with affordability, but also because I wouldn't know how to accept my baby's presence.
Being a little older and assessing the situation a little more carefully, I think I would keep the baby, but due to the possible psychological repercussions of the rape, as well as my own emotional sensitivity, I would likely find it difficult to fully accept the baby in the beginning. Because I would expect to lose a lot, I would likely lament over what the child's father would have cost me. I would also be concerned with my child's care while I'm away at work--who would sit up with a baby between 10:00 in the night and 5:00 in the morning?...
Also--and this is very important--the last thing I would want to hear out of anyone's mouth is that it's not about me, or how my body isn't mine anymore. As I told someone on DreamMoods, if I've been raped, it is about me. Even if it's true that my body isn't 100% mine anymore, I wouldn't want to hear it in a case like this, especially considering that my attacker would have already conveyed this same message to me through his actions. So dear loved ones, if worse should come to worse in this manner, do not say this to me.
(The person on DreamMoods also said that a victim could simply get counseling to help her deal with this cold, harsh reality. But considering that she has a baby on the way, she likely wouldn't be able to afford therapy, and even so, who wants to pay a therapist 100-some-odd dollars an hour to tell them that their body belongs to someone else?...)
I'd still go to school, of course--a baby would be all the more a reason to keep going--and I'd try really hard to look for a job with the degree I already have. I'd still continue writing stories, journaling my dreams, and in general being a weirdo. None of that would change. I'd fight like hell to be the same Airen I've always been.
But I would never, in my life, or in any lifetimes following this one, forgive the man who initiated the changes by forcing himself on me.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
To two of my toughest teachers (open letter rewrite)...
Dear Teachers,
Since I can't reach you physically, I am addressing you in the best way I know how...
Over the years that I've spent lamenting over you, I felt that I was alone, and that no one understood me or what I was going through. But in reality, it was I who didn't understand myself. I have failed to acknowledge this truth...and that you, without meaning to, have tried to reveal this truth to me.
I want to take this time to say thank you...thank you for refusing to give in to my desperation. Thank you for being real men and not taking advantage of my insecurity, as I knew many others would have. Thank you for serving as mirrors for my soul, for helping me to realize that it's me, not you, who is owed an apology.
I know that God has a greater purpose for me in this life than to feel lonely and desperate and dwell on something that it wasn't my time to have...on an unconscious level, you tried to show me that, and I regret that I didn't see it before. It was easier to blame you for how I felt.
My situation is not ideal at the moment, but things are improving every day. I now have an associate's degree, which I'm very proud of, and am working toward a bachelor's. I'm also in the process of writing my first book, and I must say, I'm truly impressed with myself--I'm already on chapter 25. As always, I have the love and support of my friends and loved ones in all I do, which I know not everyone has. As I said, things aren't perfect, but I'm still very much blessed, and I know I'm a lot better off than I was years ago. I know that in some way, I wouldn't be where I am, and I wouldn't be in the direction I'm headed, without you. Little by little, I'm becoming the awesome person I was meant to be.
I admit that I'm still angry, and I feel that I have a right to be angry. I know that my anger just means that there are wounds that still need to heal...and I can't count on you to heal these wounds for me--you've already done your work. I need to heal myself...and dealing with my feelings about men is just one step of many on a very important and essential journey.
To the first one: Congrats on your marriage and baby. You have found someone who truly loves you for who you are, and together, the two of you have started a family. May you cherish this gift and keep your family a happy one...nowadays, this is hard for many to come by. I admit that I have been envious of your good fortune, but only because I've ignored my own blessings. I know that I, too, will create a family of my own if and when it is time. I see now that this is my preparation phase, my time to do what I need to do for me.
To the second one: I won't lie, it might still take a while for me to get past that comment you made on Facebook. Still, I need to acknowledge that sometimes words are just words and that perhaps your comment was just that...a comment. I still feel that, deep down, you didn't really mean what you said, and you just chose the wrong words and the wrong time to express how you really feel. Maybe you're like me, and you're holding a lot of anger and frustration inside that you don't know how to express...and maybe, like me, you feel like you need other people to validate you, and that's why you have so many attractive women on your friends list. I think this might be the case, and that perhaps that's why you've been ignoring me...because in some way or other, you saw yourself in me and couldn't face it. To tell you the truth, I believe we both have a lot of growing up to do, you and I. And I think that we are helping each other grow, in a sense...sometimes the teacher has to be the student, right?...
That being said, May God Bless You Both, in all that you do. You aren't perfect, but none of us are--we're only human.
Sincerely,
One Very Difficult and Very Grateful Student. :)
Since I can't reach you physically, I am addressing you in the best way I know how...
Over the years that I've spent lamenting over you, I felt that I was alone, and that no one understood me or what I was going through. But in reality, it was I who didn't understand myself. I have failed to acknowledge this truth...and that you, without meaning to, have tried to reveal this truth to me.
I want to take this time to say thank you...thank you for refusing to give in to my desperation. Thank you for being real men and not taking advantage of my insecurity, as I knew many others would have. Thank you for serving as mirrors for my soul, for helping me to realize that it's me, not you, who is owed an apology.
I know that God has a greater purpose for me in this life than to feel lonely and desperate and dwell on something that it wasn't my time to have...on an unconscious level, you tried to show me that, and I regret that I didn't see it before. It was easier to blame you for how I felt.
My situation is not ideal at the moment, but things are improving every day. I now have an associate's degree, which I'm very proud of, and am working toward a bachelor's. I'm also in the process of writing my first book, and I must say, I'm truly impressed with myself--I'm already on chapter 25. As always, I have the love and support of my friends and loved ones in all I do, which I know not everyone has. As I said, things aren't perfect, but I'm still very much blessed, and I know I'm a lot better off than I was years ago. I know that in some way, I wouldn't be where I am, and I wouldn't be in the direction I'm headed, without you. Little by little, I'm becoming the awesome person I was meant to be.
I admit that I'm still angry, and I feel that I have a right to be angry. I know that my anger just means that there are wounds that still need to heal...and I can't count on you to heal these wounds for me--you've already done your work. I need to heal myself...and dealing with my feelings about men is just one step of many on a very important and essential journey.
To the first one: Congrats on your marriage and baby. You have found someone who truly loves you for who you are, and together, the two of you have started a family. May you cherish this gift and keep your family a happy one...nowadays, this is hard for many to come by. I admit that I have been envious of your good fortune, but only because I've ignored my own blessings. I know that I, too, will create a family of my own if and when it is time. I see now that this is my preparation phase, my time to do what I need to do for me.
To the second one: I won't lie, it might still take a while for me to get past that comment you made on Facebook. Still, I need to acknowledge that sometimes words are just words and that perhaps your comment was just that...a comment. I still feel that, deep down, you didn't really mean what you said, and you just chose the wrong words and the wrong time to express how you really feel. Maybe you're like me, and you're holding a lot of anger and frustration inside that you don't know how to express...and maybe, like me, you feel like you need other people to validate you, and that's why you have so many attractive women on your friends list. I think this might be the case, and that perhaps that's why you've been ignoring me...because in some way or other, you saw yourself in me and couldn't face it. To tell you the truth, I believe we both have a lot of growing up to do, you and I. And I think that we are helping each other grow, in a sense...sometimes the teacher has to be the student, right?...
That being said, May God Bless You Both, in all that you do. You aren't perfect, but none of us are--we're only human.
Sincerely,
One Very Difficult and Very Grateful Student. :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
An open letter to my rejectors...
Dear Rejectors:
Specifically I'm talking to the last two of you. This seems to be the only way I can talk to you, since you won't show me the same courtesy...
To maintain peace I've "reasonably" kept to myself over the years, as no one else wanted to hear it, either...you have no idea. But in doing so I've failed to acknowledge the truth:
I am angry. I'm angry because you rejected me. I'm angry because you ignored my apologies. I'm angry because in addition to not wanting to be bothered with me, you chose to make me feel like shit, like I'm subhuman, like I exist solely to waste space. One thing I'd often wondered about myself is whether God created me as a spacesaver for someone more worthy, and if I'd die when they came along. I blame you for this. I shouldn't but I do. It's easier.
Do you have any idea how I feel right now? I'm 30, no significant other, seemingly no prospects, a college degree I can't use because I'm not confident enough, because assholes like you made me feel like I was nothing, like I was a pathetic loser. Well...I hope you're satisfied. Turns out I just might be the loser you always knew I could be...
Okay, seriously--I am pissed off...and considering that my experiences with the opposite sex have sucked phenomenally over the years, I feel my anger is justified. But it's not really your fault. My personal frustration has nothing to do with you. Still, since you did still play some kind of role in the way I felt about myself and the way I feel about men, I'm not sure that I should apologize.
To the first one: A friend of mine has told me about your recent marriage and baby. I don't know if your wife's already given birth or not, and it's none of my business. I would be courteous and say Happy Father's Day, but you wouldn't want that, so...anyway, I suppose you have a justifiable reason to think I'm trying to wreck your home after 12 years of no contact (a third party can't wreck a home anyway). So I guess I'll shut up and try to be happy for you.
To the second one: I don't know how you feel about black people, whether that comment you made on Facebook was really a reflection of how you feel or you were just being a jackass. I hope you see people as people, like me, and that you're not really the "playa" you're making yourself look like...being a man-slut is not cool. Anyway, I suppose ignoring women is how you deal with the ones who aren't hot enough to grace your precious friends list. So I guess I can't argue with your logic. Oh, yeah--just so you know, 31 is not the new 21.
That being said, May God Bless You Both, in spite of yourselves. You'll never see this post, I know, and there will be several people on Facebook who will wonder what the hell is wrong with me, but I needed to get this out.
Sincerely,
The Crazy Bitch From High School, aka The Black Chick From Video I Who Was Easy To Forget.
Specifically I'm talking to the last two of you. This seems to be the only way I can talk to you, since you won't show me the same courtesy...
To maintain peace I've "reasonably" kept to myself over the years, as no one else wanted to hear it, either...you have no idea. But in doing so I've failed to acknowledge the truth:
I am angry. I'm angry because you rejected me. I'm angry because you ignored my apologies. I'm angry because in addition to not wanting to be bothered with me, you chose to make me feel like shit, like I'm subhuman, like I exist solely to waste space. One thing I'd often wondered about myself is whether God created me as a spacesaver for someone more worthy, and if I'd die when they came along. I blame you for this. I shouldn't but I do. It's easier.
Do you have any idea how I feel right now? I'm 30, no significant other, seemingly no prospects, a college degree I can't use because I'm not confident enough, because assholes like you made me feel like I was nothing, like I was a pathetic loser. Well...I hope you're satisfied. Turns out I just might be the loser you always knew I could be...
Okay, seriously--I am pissed off...and considering that my experiences with the opposite sex have sucked phenomenally over the years, I feel my anger is justified. But it's not really your fault. My personal frustration has nothing to do with you. Still, since you did still play some kind of role in the way I felt about myself and the way I feel about men, I'm not sure that I should apologize.
To the first one: A friend of mine has told me about your recent marriage and baby. I don't know if your wife's already given birth or not, and it's none of my business. I would be courteous and say Happy Father's Day, but you wouldn't want that, so...anyway, I suppose you have a justifiable reason to think I'm trying to wreck your home after 12 years of no contact (a third party can't wreck a home anyway). So I guess I'll shut up and try to be happy for you.
To the second one: I don't know how you feel about black people, whether that comment you made on Facebook was really a reflection of how you feel or you were just being a jackass. I hope you see people as people, like me, and that you're not really the "playa" you're making yourself look like...being a man-slut is not cool. Anyway, I suppose ignoring women is how you deal with the ones who aren't hot enough to grace your precious friends list. So I guess I can't argue with your logic. Oh, yeah--just so you know, 31 is not the new 21.
That being said, May God Bless You Both, in spite of yourselves. You'll never see this post, I know, and there will be several people on Facebook who will wonder what the hell is wrong with me, but I needed to get this out.
Sincerely,
The Crazy Bitch From High School, aka The Black Chick From Video I Who Was Easy To Forget.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A recent revelation about my four-year "like" interest...
He's a racist.
Or, at the very least, he's aiming himself in that direction.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well, a couple of weekends ago, I decided to look at his Facebook to see what he had been up to lately. That's when I saw a picture that he had shared:
Or, at the very least, he's aiming himself in that direction.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well, a couple of weekends ago, I decided to look at his Facebook to see what he had been up to lately. That's when I saw a picture that he had shared:
Of course, this is in response to the national coverage the Trayvon Martin case is getting.
Not only were there racist comments about black people made in response to this post and attached with it, but my ex-classmate decided to contribute one of his own, regarding the five black people who killed the couple:
"...tie them up in the desert and pour honey on their balls while sitting on a giant fire ant nest in Africa, take the bitch and stick her pussy on a tailpipe and floor the gas petal until the exhaust flows out of the rest of her openings, then give it more gas"
I looked at this and I was like, "hmmm...why does the fire ant nest have to be in Africa? Couldn't it just as well be anywhere else in the world?..."
I was still surprised, because although I know there are a lot of bigots in Kentucky, I honestly didn't expect him to be one of them. It kind of--kind of--broke my heart. I knew he wanted nothing to do with me, but now I at least know why.
I showed this to my sister, too. She was like, "why does the black woman have to be a 'bitch?'..."
I cried a little bit over it as I discussed it with her. She didn't understand why I was crying. This revelation still hurt me in spite of its predictability. This was someone I worked on class projects with. And the whole time he didn't like me because I was black?!...
Honestly, when I first saw his comment, I was like, "why doesn't he just tattoo a swastika on his arm?" I was pissed. Maybe it's not that bad, and maybe it was just a poor choice of words on his part, but that's how I felt.
I mean, even when I know it's out there, even when I acknowledge that racism and bigotry have been present in America for hundreds of years, how do I approach something like this? I don't feel like I can just look at this and go, "meh, it happens." It always bothers me.
People are people. I've always felt that way. It upsets me that something like this has come up, especially when it involves someone I've had some kind of physical contact with.
I'm hoping and praying that he's not really a prejudiced asshole, that it was just a poor choice of words. But for now, I don't feel like I should have very much respect for him.
As for the couple the picture refers to, I'm sad for them. What happened to them was terrible and shouldn't happen to anyone. But the five killers got convicted. Justice was served. The reason Trayvon's story went national was mainly because his killer, having shot him for no reason, claimed self-defense when there was no evidence of it, plus it took several weeks for him to be charged.
If someone wants to rant about something not getting enough press, that's fine--we can just agree to disagree. But the racial slurs and insults are unnecessary.
Monday, March 5, 2012
A little update (just a couple of things, I guess...)
I notice that I haven't blogged on anything in nearly six months--partly because of fear. There have been quite a few things I've been wanting to share but I never got around to it...
Well, anyway, here's an update...
I'm actually writing now, and I've made it to chapter 11 of my book. It's a long, slow process, and lately I haven't been able to write much (a couple of words here and there, up to maybe 15 minutes), but I still put something down, at least.
I've been stressed about a lot of shit lately to be honest, and it's been interfering with everything in my life--my book, my classes, my job. EVERYTHING! I haven't had a good meditative session in a while because I'm so stressed.
So what's got me so on edge? One word: politics! Specifically, it's the War On Women that's got me so fired up. The Republican choices for president concern me for this reason more than anything else. I know they've always had some sort of disdain for women--so it seems to me--but now they're going to far! Talking about redefining rape and having rape and incest survivors audited, not to mention the "Let Women Die" bill. And don't get me started on the all-male contraception panel! All of a sudden they're so desperate to put women "in their place." It disgusts me, and it should disgust all women.
Because of this, I have dreamt of a girl getting beheaded by surprise and my family arguing over a slaughtered pet pig (while I snack on the resulting bacon bits). (A few good people on DreamMoods helped me understand how these dreams are connected.) Meanwhile, I'm behind on a significant amount of study, and my literary obligations have taken a back seat.
So if you're wondering why I asked that question on FB about a pregnant rape victim dying from complications--whether it should be considered murder (it should--think about it!)--that's why. Because if the anti-choice crazies in Washington have their way, sad cases like this are going to skyrocket (along with other things I dare not mention here, lest I sound too "out there"). And some form of justice should be served--more than the customary 10 years rapists usually get (it should be life).
(I know it sounds like I'm obsessed with rape, but this is an issue that's always concerned me, since I was in high school, and especially since I was mugged in '04. It's become an epidemic, right up there with AIDS.)
I think all of us should be concerned about this. I really do.
If I offended anyone in blogging this, I'm so sorry. But I had to get it out. This is my opinion and I have no intention of taking it back.
Well, anyway, here's an update...
I'm actually writing now, and I've made it to chapter 11 of my book. It's a long, slow process, and lately I haven't been able to write much (a couple of words here and there, up to maybe 15 minutes), but I still put something down, at least.
I've been stressed about a lot of shit lately to be honest, and it's been interfering with everything in my life--my book, my classes, my job. EVERYTHING! I haven't had a good meditative session in a while because I'm so stressed.
So what's got me so on edge? One word: politics! Specifically, it's the War On Women that's got me so fired up. The Republican choices for president concern me for this reason more than anything else. I know they've always had some sort of disdain for women--so it seems to me--but now they're going to far! Talking about redefining rape and having rape and incest survivors audited, not to mention the "Let Women Die" bill. And don't get me started on the all-male contraception panel! All of a sudden they're so desperate to put women "in their place." It disgusts me, and it should disgust all women.
Because of this, I have dreamt of a girl getting beheaded by surprise and my family arguing over a slaughtered pet pig (while I snack on the resulting bacon bits). (A few good people on DreamMoods helped me understand how these dreams are connected.) Meanwhile, I'm behind on a significant amount of study, and my literary obligations have taken a back seat.
So if you're wondering why I asked that question on FB about a pregnant rape victim dying from complications--whether it should be considered murder (it should--think about it!)--that's why. Because if the anti-choice crazies in Washington have their way, sad cases like this are going to skyrocket (along with other things I dare not mention here, lest I sound too "out there"). And some form of justice should be served--more than the customary 10 years rapists usually get (it should be life).
(I know it sounds like I'm obsessed with rape, but this is an issue that's always concerned me, since I was in high school, and especially since I was mugged in '04. It's become an epidemic, right up there with AIDS.)
I think all of us should be concerned about this. I really do.
If I offended anyone in blogging this, I'm so sorry. But I had to get it out. This is my opinion and I have no intention of taking it back.
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