That clock might be ticking soon...

Hard to tell right now, but I do hear something...

*sigh* I guess the time has come to get this off my chest. Lately it seems I've been paying attention to things having to do with babies and having babies.

I know I'm not ready to have a baby anytime soon (too much going on), although I would like to be a mom someday. I guess I'm thinking really hard about it because I'm getting closer to that time in my life when this will really become an issue. I'll be 29 in about 2 1/2 months, and I know I'll be thinking about a lot of things in the coming year. This is one of the bigger things.

I'm also thinking about it because it scares me. The whole idea of being a mother scares me. It's not so much that it won't just be about Airen anymore--that's a given--it's because I'm not sure how I'll handle it, or if I can do it at all. I know how I tend to operate, especially under pressure. I often wonder how this would affect my child, if it came to me having one.

I recall on many occasions saying that I didn't want my child to be like me, mainly because of past behaviors--I didn't want my child to be overreactive, sad or anxious like me. I didn't want my child to feel lonely and have no friends. I didn't want her to have my temper, or to have other kids pick on her. I still don't want any child of mine having any of these things, although I must acknowledge the inevitability that she will inherit 23 chromosomes from me and therefore still be like me in some way. I really just don't want my child to have the difficulties and disappointments that I've had.

Another thing I wonder about is how I could keep up with my child as she grows. The world has its wonders and its perks but there's still a lot of hurtful people in the world, not to mention various risks. I know that one day she'd be grown up, and I wouldn't always be there to protect her when something goes wrong. What would I do if I found out she had gotten into some serious, dire situation? How would I handle it if something had happened to her that could stick with her for life? I'm sure this is something every parent thinks about, and I know if I had a child my time would come too. But I know how I am.

I know that some of you reading this are saying, "Airen, why are you worrying about this now? You're young, you're single, you don't have kids. Focus on taking care of Airen." I often say the same thing to myself. But like I said, I'm nearing that age when this is going to really be an issue for me. I know, too, that being a parent is perhaps the toughest job one will ever take on--my parents and three of my siblings can vouch for that. Still, I know that one day I'll want a baby. I just want to know that I'll be ready and up to the task when God's ready for me to start that chapter in my life.

Emancipation--what does it mean?...

I find myself asking that question today. It all started with a dream I had last Friday.

I just posted about the entire dream on DreamMoods today. Here's a part of that:

"For much of it, I was a character in sort of a 'living manga' (for those who don't know, manga is like anime, except it's not animated). I don't remember much of it, except that parts of it were sexual in nature....

"Near the end, I remember that my character was trying to do something when a group of angels (or what appeared to be angels, because I couldn't see them clearly either) appeared, telling her not to do it, that she was making a mistake. The lead angel told her that she could be 'happy and healthy.' Then the angel started singing in a beautiful soprano, adding:

'You could be emancipated; you could be adopted...'

The moment she sang these words, I woke up. I lay in bed for a moment, thinking about these words, and their melody, and I played the lyrics again and again in my head. It made me think of many things; mostly, it made me think about my life, and how I could live it differently and be better off than I am. These thoughts, coupled with the haunting melody, brought me to tears."

What made me cry was that I knew what this would mean in my life, to be "emancipated." I knew that something would have to change. And I knew that there were some things I would need to let go of, some of which would be hard to sacrifice.

(I know that the "adoption" part meant being "taken in," being part of something, perhaps something greater.)

Now, a lot of people don't take much stock in dreams or their meanings, but I do, and I believe that this dream--or at least the song at the end--was trying to tell me something.

Today, it's making me think: What will it take for me to emancipate myself? What do I have to do, to give, to change? What can I contribute? What can I teach? How can I make a difference in my life and the lives of others?...

Everyone's on a spiritual path, on a quest to find themselves; for some time, I've been trying to figure out how to get on mine (or how to continue), and this dream just called it to my attention a little more. And I have a feeling that this is now going to take up brain space a lot more than usual, especially if I get another dream with singing angels. I think I've gotten to that age when one really begins to think about things like this (is it at 28 that one thinks of such things?...)

It might be easy to label this "quarterlife crisis," but I think this is a little different (besides, I think I'm about to pass the quarterlife point). I think what this dream is bringing to mind involves something a bit deeper than just "who am I and where is my life headed?". I think this involves the question of where my soul stands in God's eyes and how I can achieve a higher state of awareness of who I am, and the world around me. I want to be more connected to God, and I want to be more connected to the world. And apparently, in order to do that, I must emancipate myself.

So where does one begin? I suppose I could read the Bible cover-to-cover, or attend service every Sunday. Or I could meditate one hour each day to get sparks of insight. I could even ask every religious and spiritual leader I could think of for their wisdom and ideas. Or simply get on my knees and ask God for an answer then wait for Him to respond.

However I choose to begin this journey, I know it starts with me. I need to listen to my own heart and soul and follow their lead. I need to release what's holding me back. I need to start living the best life I can live in the time I have left.

I haven't kept my resolutions.

I recently started the tradition of making New Year's resolution lists on my birthday. This year, among other things, I resolved to be 100% honest, mainly with myself, about my feelings.

I have to admit, so far I haven't been too honest--I've been stuffing everything away and distracting myself with stupid shit, as I've done so many times in the past, and ignoring the real issue. (If nothing else, my last post proves that.) So right now, I'm going to be honest with myself and say what's really bothering me.

To begin with, my summer was fucked up in terms of money. Because of dire financial straits, I've had to spend two months paying rent weekly, and while I was accepted into U of L (yay!) I can't take any classes until January because I didn't have the fee for orientation. My money woes have also kept me too occupied to look for a photo gig.

Too much time and too little money do not make a good combination for Airen. While I am ecstatic that I finally graduated from JCTC and have my degree, and could really use some time off from school, it's leaving me with nothing to do besides work every night. And how do I usually spend all that free time? Worrying--about money, about my job, about my love life (or rather, lack thereof), about something. I am a classic worrier. I obsess about everything. And when I have enough time, I go into overdrive. I need something to do!

So, what's been taking up my valuable brain space these past three months? After two years, who else? Donnie. I still have feelings for him, although I've only spoken to him on a few occasions and rarely see him. I've convinced myself somehow that I love him but know deep down it can't possibly be true. I know all too well the likelihood that I don't stand a chance, and yet he lingers! He's in my head day and night and I can't make him leave!

Enter Alicia Keys--the perfect distraction! While I was busy trying to make sense of her choice to sacrifice her integrity in the name of love (if that's really what she did) and defending her good name to message board trolls, I ignored the real problem. I knew all along it was about Donnie and my feelings about him, and yet I let myself go so far off the deep end about Alicia that the mere acknowledgement of this problem became a moot point. And so it continues to this day. Alicia, Swizz, and Mashonda are now as prominent in my mind as Donnie is, and all because I tried to shut him out in the first place.

I know how it must seem to others, but I really don't like having constant thoughts about one person, especially if it's going nowhere. And I certainly don't like having constant thoughts about a celebrity just to block my thoughts about said person...

Well, now I feel better. I finally got it all out...at least for today. From now on, I need to just write it all down. And I need to stop listening to celebrity gossip...most of it's trash, anyway. :p

My take on the whole Alicia Keys controversy and the infidelity witch hunt...

This has been bugging me for the past month and I cannot stand it anymore.

Recently I heard some seemingly disturbing news about one of my all-time favorite artists, Alicia Keys--that she was pregnant and engaged. The disturbing part is that the man she will soon marry and have this child with was married, and that it had been going on for two years.

What I understand from the whole situation is this: She is engaged to Swizz Beatz (whoever he is) and they are having a child; oh, but it just so happens that while they were together, he was separated from his estranged wife, Mashonda, with whom he had one child (he had a son from a previous relationship). In a lot of people's views, since it was a separation, that pretty much cancels out any wrongdoing on part of either Swizz or Alicia. But many still feel that the marriage still mattered and that during separation, Swizz should have pretty much tweedled his thumbs, as many were so sure Mashonda was doing (that is bullshit).

When I first heard the news, I was extremely disheartened--I'll be honest, people, I had a fucking conniption. I was like, how could she? How could she sacrifice integrity and tarnish her image? How could she dishonor herself like that?!...

Notice how I was angry about what Alicia did to herself, not to Swizz and Mashonda's marriage. And that's exactly how I felt--I felt that Alicia had made a dishonorable decision and that her relationship with Swizz would poison her in the long run. Swizz destroyed his own marriage, if anything, but knowing how human morality works, Alicia will take 98% of the blame (i.e. being threatened with death and called every name but a child of God).

I've cooled off a little since then and have opened my eyes a bit. I've looked a little more into it and realized it's not all black and white. There are some holes in these stories. It also comforts me that most people are still on Alicia's side and wish her nothing but the best. And so do I.

Alicia is no more and no less than one of the best musicians of all time. She's right up there with Luther, Stevie, and Michael. A musical genius. But now I fear she's more likely to be paired with the likes of Rielle Hunter, Monica Lewinsky, and Marilyn Monroe--all because of Swizz Beatz!

(Of course, Rielle, Monica, and Marilyn all slept with politicians; Swizz is not a politician, but like John Edwards, Bill Clinton, and John F. Kennedy, he was married--therein lies the connection. You know what? I actually wouldn't put it past some fool to accuse Alicia of sleeping with Barack Obama!)

I think that Alicia is just another unfortunate casualty in the "infidelity witch hunt" of 2010--that's right, I said it. There's a witch hunt goin' on. Americans are hearing about all kinds of infidelity these days--from Tiger Woods's many paramours to Eliot Spitzers call girls, to Mark Sanford's Argentinian fling, to Jesse James's excessively-tattooed lover. And now we can officially add Swizz Beatz to this list of cheaters.

These men are undoubtedly getting their share of bad press, but I think that the real targets here are the women--hence the witch hunt. Think about it--when the whole thing about Bill Clinton came out, who got the worse rap? Monica did! And so it is with Alicia Keys--I hear 10 times worse about her than I do about Swizz. No one's calling him a homewrecker, a whore, or a skank. No one's accusing him of being selfish and heartless. And no one's accusing him of causing two children to go hungry (trust me, Swizz and Mashonda's kids are likely well-fed and do not want for anything)...tragic. Simply tragic!

First of all, since critics are so keen on calling Alicia names because it makes them feel better, allow me to give the definition of a few of these terms:

1) whore – noun
a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

In other words, this:



not this:



2) skank – noun

n. an ugly (young) woman. (Collegiate.) : What a skank she is! Give her a comb or something.

This is a skank:



This is Alicia:



3) slut – noun
1. a dirty, slovenly woman.

Alicia's not dirty, nor is she slovenly. But I think this is the definition everyone's looking for:

2. an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.

Again, we come back to prositutes, one of which Alicia is not. And in there are more ways to be immoral than sleeping around. Just ask any serial killer or corrupt Wall Street CEO. Anyway, to qualify as a slut, you have to be with many people. Alicia is only with one person. Therefore, she is not a slut.

In other words, Alicia is none of these things, so stop calling her that.

Second, I'm giving my take on the infidelity issue. A woman cannot "steal" another woman's husband. All that crap about it being "in a man's nature" to cheat and men not being able to help themselves is BULLSHIT. When a man cheats on his wife, he is making his own conscious decision to do so and knows exactly what he's doing, from beginning to end. Same thing when it's a woman: no man can "steal" another man's wife. She chose to go.

A "homewrecker," in my honest opinion, is someone who comes by your house with a demolition ball and knocks the house down. Did Alicia drive any demolition vehicles lately? No!

If you dare say anyone "wrecks a home," it's the person who's cheating on their spouse. Actually, it can be either spouse who "wrecks the home"--if one person is cheating, then the home was already wrecked long before the other woman/other man made an appearance.

Third, here's my final opinion on this whole controversy. I still think Alicia is a good person. The only truly evil people are people who are hellbent on destroying others and get pleasure out of it. Alicia gets pleasure from entertaining and helping those less fortunate. While people in her own country were so damn busy dogging her, what was she doing? Taking a pilgrimage to Africa and helping homeless people and children with AIDS, and performing at the World Cup.

Personally, I don't think she should marry Swizz because I think that none of this "homewrecker" nonsense is going to fade until she leaves him. All he's doing is bringing her down. If she doesn't leave him, not only will she suffer, but in the long run, her child will suffer as well, due to her legacy and the undeserved reputation she's now been given.

I don't know much about Mashonda (whoever this chick is), but something tells me her whole side is off. I just get this feeling that she's fake and phony. I have heard some things about her (for instance, she mistreated Swizz's eldest son), and judging from what I've heard, there's something not right about her. I might be wrong, but only time can tell.

Those of you who wish to continue supporting the "Poor Mashonda" movement: if you are sincere in your convictions, more power to you. Stand up for what you believe in, I always say. We can agree to disagree. I'm just giving my opinion, is all. Take it as you wish.

Long hiatus...

...but I'm back. Won't say I haven't thought about it...

I know I haven't been posting lately--so much going on! But I'm back and I'm planning on staying.

Not much time, so I'll go through this as quickly as I can:

First, I've lost up to 57 pounds to date. But sometime last year, I hit a plateau, and I've been trying to get back on track ever since. I've noticed that I've lapsed a little with the food, and I've gone back to being sedentary--not cool! But I'm not giving up. I'm determined not to go back to where I was. That was a miserable time for me, and I don't want to repeat history. I'm trying to at least maintain right now. It's been an uphill battle but I'm going to keep fighting!

Second, the whole thing with Donnie has cooled off--he never saw those damn messages and I doubt he ever will--and I decided to let him go on with his life and accept whatever comes. I have more pressing matters to focus on, anyway...for instance, I finally graduated from JCTC in May, and now I need to find a place where I can put my photographic skills to the test. So far I haven't found anything--haven't really had a chance to search, really--but something's got to be out there.

I sometimes consider moving out of Louisville to look for work, but I know what it can cost, plus I need a way to get by until I find something. Maybe I can plan something soon enough...

Also, as of last year, I've been moonlighting as a psychic--yep, a psychic. Specifically, I do angel readings. (Heard of Doreen Virtue?) I have two card decks I work with, and I mainly have been taking requests online. At first I wasn't getting paid for it--still haven't gotten taken any money for it--but I'm planning to. (I'll make 'em cheap, though. LOL.) A psychic I went to recently suggested I start doing so for energy exchange, which makes sense, because reading people really is draining. The only thing that's holding me back from in-person readings is my sensitivity about other people; I know that a lot of people tend to be pretty cynical and skeptical about things like this, so I have an idea about what I'd be getting myself into. Still, if I don't take a chance, I'll never know.

Right now I'm just taking it easy. Money problems have been stressing me out lately to the point of sickness. I need a rest.

Well that's it today. I need to get home!