I haven't kept my resolutions.

I recently started the tradition of making New Year's resolution lists on my birthday. This year, among other things, I resolved to be 100% honest, mainly with myself, about my feelings.

I have to admit, so far I haven't been too honest--I've been stuffing everything away and distracting myself with stupid shit, as I've done so many times in the past, and ignoring the real issue. (If nothing else, my last post proves that.) So right now, I'm going to be honest with myself and say what's really bothering me.

To begin with, my summer was fucked up in terms of money. Because of dire financial straits, I've had to spend two months paying rent weekly, and while I was accepted into U of L (yay!) I can't take any classes until January because I didn't have the fee for orientation. My money woes have also kept me too occupied to look for a photo gig.

Too much time and too little money do not make a good combination for Airen. While I am ecstatic that I finally graduated from JCTC and have my degree, and could really use some time off from school, it's leaving me with nothing to do besides work every night. And how do I usually spend all that free time? Worrying--about money, about my job, about my love life (or rather, lack thereof), about something. I am a classic worrier. I obsess about everything. And when I have enough time, I go into overdrive. I need something to do!

So, what's been taking up my valuable brain space these past three months? After two years, who else? Donnie. I still have feelings for him, although I've only spoken to him on a few occasions and rarely see him. I've convinced myself somehow that I love him but know deep down it can't possibly be true. I know all too well the likelihood that I don't stand a chance, and yet he lingers! He's in my head day and night and I can't make him leave!

Enter Alicia Keys--the perfect distraction! While I was busy trying to make sense of her choice to sacrifice her integrity in the name of love (if that's really what she did) and defending her good name to message board trolls, I ignored the real problem. I knew all along it was about Donnie and my feelings about him, and yet I let myself go so far off the deep end about Alicia that the mere acknowledgement of this problem became a moot point. And so it continues to this day. Alicia, Swizz, and Mashonda are now as prominent in my mind as Donnie is, and all because I tried to shut him out in the first place.

I know how it must seem to others, but I really don't like having constant thoughts about one person, especially if it's going nowhere. And I certainly don't like having constant thoughts about a celebrity just to block my thoughts about said person...

Well, now I feel better. I finally got it all out...at least for today. From now on, I need to just write it all down. And I need to stop listening to celebrity gossip...most of it's trash, anyway. :p