After the note...

I told a few people, and they had a few choice words. Just about everyone stayed along the same lines--that I needed to move on, that this man apparently wants nothing to do with me.

Until yesterday, I had planned to find him and tell him to get rid of the note without reading it, realizing that sending it was a mistake and fearing that his girlfriend would come for my blood if she saw it. But when I called my dad last night, that changed. He disagreed, saying in so many words that if I tried to get this guy to delete his message, I'd only spark his curiosity and make him want to know what's in it that's so erroneous. "He'd find out anyway," my dad said.

While we were talking, my dad got me to realize something that had been the case for years: I always try too hard to get people--that's anyone, not just potential paramours--to like me and accept me, and I end up pushing them away in the process, although I don't mean to. And for some reason, I always thought passively sending notes and things would make things better, but it doesn't--putting things in writing tends to send the wrong message, especially in my case; I've always been an emotional writer, and I tend to go too deep in my writing.

Last night while I was on the phone and then while I was working, I went over it again and again in my head. The thought of my former classmate never speaking to me again over a MySpace message was painful and unbearable. It meant that there would yet another person out there in the cold, cruel world who disliked me and wanted nothing to do with me--and as far as I was concerned, I've already had too many of those people in my life. I told Dad that, too.

"No you don't," he said. "You think you do. You don't like yourself."

If I had a penny for every time I've heard the "you gotta love yourself" speech, I'd be crazy rich! Well maybe it's about time I start listening--I mean, really listening this time.

That means that I can't depend on this man or anyone else to validate me anymore. (In this case, that also means not fearing his girlfriend's wrath--she might break my bones but not my spirit, dammit!) I can no longer make them my judge and jury. All it's done so far is bring me down.

The worst this man could do is hate me for life and/or avoid me like the plague--yeah, very mature for a 27-year-old man--or his girlfriend could even arrange to have me banned from all of Fourth Street. But why should I let it wreck my day? After all, there's other men, and there's more to Louisville than Fourth Street. Surely I'll find another favorite spot sooner or later. Plus I think I've seen Fourth Street enough times over the past four years, anyway...it's not the end of the world. In fact, it might even open doors for me. :)

So what happens now?...

I sent another message to my classmate on MySpace. It read as follows:

"Truth is I've been a little bitter since the end of the semester. My feelings were actually kind of hurt when you told me you had a girlfriend. Yeah, I know I said I was okay. Well, I lied. I'm really quite depressed! :( I've cried over it God knows how many times in the past two and a half months. Every time I walk into Friday's or even just down Fourth Street, I feel like I'm trespassing, like I don't belong there, because you're there. I don't know if I'm making you uncomfortable or not. I really don't mean to.

"Anyway, that's how I really feel. I only hid it from you because I care about you.

"I hope there's no hard feelings. I really don't mean to put you on the spot, if that's what I'm doing. I apologize if it seems that way. I just need to clear my conscience...."

I sent it to him yesterday afternoon, after an internal debate with myself over whether or not I should do so. I was seriously considering backing out again, because I took his feelings into consideration. But then I decided, well, he can take it how he wants to take it. I don't care one way or the other. This is for me. I need to get this out of my system.

So I sent the message to him, and that was that. I was sure to write it such a way that I took personal responsibility for my feelings.

Since he hasn't been back online in over a week, I won't hold my breath--it'll most likely still be in his inbox whenever he gets back on.

If he chooses to respond, or not to respond, that's up to him. If he decides to not even read the message and discards it, that's fine, too--I might be a bit peeved, but I'll be okay. All that counts is that I gave myself an opportunity to vent and to express my feelings, more for my own sake than for anyone else's. That sounds selfish, but if I'm not in touch with my own feelings, how can I be so with the feelings of others?...

I really hope he'll take the time to read the message before making any decision. I want him to know how I truly feel, whether he cares to hear it or not. But like I said, it's up to him. And it's even more up to God. All I can do is wait and see what happens.

Thought I had it... :(

I still think I might...

But then I explained my theory to my mom, and she said something entirely different.

She said that my problem wasn't that I was a "special" kid, but rather that I was a stubborn kid--I knew how things were, I understood how things were, but I refused to accept how things were. (In fact, according to her, that's how I ended up in a special class in the first place.) "You're still like that," she said. "You always talk about how you don't want to conform."

She's right, you know--I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, and I hate conformity. Don't get me wrong--I believe that certain standards should still be followed. But I don't agree with the total acceptance of the way things are. Just because that's the way it is doesn't mean that that's how it has to be. I believe that some things should be outside the mainstream.

I understood where she was coming from in relation to my classmate and my lamentable situation--that I know he has a woman in his life already, I'm just too stubborn to accept it.

Guilty as charged. I still like him, and I still want him, although I know that he doesn't feel the same way and probably never will. I also keep replaying April 29 over and over in my head, hoping that somehow, he wasn't serious when he said he was "kind of seeing someone."

Mom says--and I've heard this thousands of times already--that I should leave the past in the past in the past and live in the present moment. Even my AD&D program talks about living in the present moment. But for some reason, I can't...

This has brought me to tears several times since the 4th. The thought of getting over him depresses me greatly. I know it's pointless to hold onto someone who's not mine for the taking. But I can't shake him. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go. I'm afraid that I won't get anything out of my present moment, or that I'll end up with several guys that I don't really want, and that it will go on and on for years, then when the right guy does finally come along, I'll be so jaded and bitter that I won't want anything to do with him either.

I'm also afraid that accepting the way things are will cause me to change so drastically that I'll become someone I don't recognize. I want to change, but not to the point where I'm a whole different personality. I don't like how I feel right now, but I like who I am.

I'm tired of thinking about this guy and his girlfriend every time I hear a love song, watch a commercial for KY lubricant, or spot a book at Borders about Kama Sutra sex positions. But I can't stop thinking about it. I wish it was as easy as just stopping the thoughts cold turkey.

One thing I remember Mom saying was to ask God to order my steps and show me the way. So I did. And I'll continue to until I get where I need to be.

P.S.: I checked his MySpace page again. He was online on Thursday, and didn't respond to my note! Jerk.