Energy drain and panic attacks

Lately, I've been on edge about things. I've been really paranoid, afraid of the dark and of being alone, and I can't think straight. It's gotten to the point where I can't even listen to certain songs on my MP3 player or take a shower or do laundry without feeling some sense of apprehension.

I think it's because of something I looked up on YouTube this past weekend. I went on YouTube to look up videos on cults, because I've been worried that a friend of mine might have joined one. Eventually, I came across some video clips featuring the original Jonestown "death tape." I sat and watched the videos and listened to the whole tape, which was like 45 minutes long. It was really disturbing and heartbreaking to hear the voices of those people on there, knowing that all of them are dead. There was one woman on the tape trying to get Jim Jones to consider other options, and babies crying while getting cyanide shots. There was also what sounded like distorted music playing in the background, which really got to me.

Since hearing that eerie footage, I haven't been able to clear it from my mind; it's driven me a bit crazy, LOL. It's made me think over and over about my mortality, and how much longer I have on this earth. I keep thinking, I'm 25 now, will I see 50? Will I even see 26? Just how much longer do I have?... It really scares me that I think about this. It makes me wish I hadn't seen those videos. It makes me wonder why I couldn't just look up "Planet Unicorn" or "Sifl & Olly" like I usually do. Those clips are lighthearted and comical. ("Sifl & Olly" is hilarious.)

I made this mistake before, back in July. I kept watching clips about plane crashes, and looked up death scenes from the Final Destination trilogy. I ended up fearing that I was going to die in some horrible freak accident or that a plane would crash into my apartment building. At the time, I had rationalized that I was still trying to get used to living on my own--I had just moved into my apartment a month earlier, before which I had been living with my sister for three years--and I just needed to take a few breaths and relax, and try to find ways to feel more at home in my new space. I'm still kind of antsy about living alone, four months later...so there's part of it right there.

I think what I need to do this time around is quit worrying about my friend, say some prayers, and leave it in God's hands, because there's really nothing I can do at this time. I also have a Bible at home--perhaps I can find comfort in reading a few scriptures. As for living on my own, same thing as last time--I need to relax and find ways to feel more at home. And I need to stop worrying so much about dying. I know I won't be here forever, but instead of being scared, I should try to make the most of the time I do have, so that when I finally do go Home, I'll have no regrets.

The next time I want to look up info on cults, I'll stick to documents. LOL :p