This is about a strange dream I had today.

I remember I was in the lunchroom of my high school, and I think my brothers and sisters were there, too. I was trying to talk to my then-crush--the guy who wanted nothing to do with me. I don't remember what I was talking about exactly, but I think part of it was how he felt about me. Then he started going off on me, telling me to "go away" and that he didn't like me. Frantic, I kept asking him why he was being like that and why he didn't want to talk to me, but all he'd say was, "Go away" and "Leave me alone" and "I don't like you." Eventually, he left. I began ranting to my siblings about what he said, but my voice was straining, I was out of breath, and I found it difficult to get the words out.

The dream took place in 2008, oddly enough. I remember saying--or at least trying to say--that the guy "is 27 years old and should know better." (He's a year older than me, so yeah, that's how old he'll be this coming May.)

This is one of many dreams I've had over a period of years, where I was having something said or done to me that was out of line, and I tried to say something in defense, but had great difficulty doing so.

I think that maybe it's my subconscious mind's way of letting me know that I have a real problem speaking up for myself, and that I need to be more assertive. Lately, I have been working on that, in steps. But I know I have a long way to go. I've gone for many years holding things in and letting other people speak for me. I know that's got to stop. I'm living on my own now, so I don't even have my older sister there to save me anymore.

I want to start exercising five days a week.

Right now, I've been trying to do it three times a week. But I want to see what would happen if I started doing it every weekday.

I started exercising to see how it would affect my mood. It's helped a little with my mood; it's also given me more energy.

It's not helping me so much body-wise, though. That's mainly because I'm still on my fast-food-and-vending-machine diet, LOL. They do say that diet an exercise go hand in hand. So I know I need to do something about my eating habits. If I get a snack out of a vending machine, it should be something healthy. The next tine I head to McDonald's, I need to get a salad. Better yet, I should just avoid these things altogether, get off my lazy ass, and cook something.

The thing is, I don't know where to begin with that, you know? Nutrition experts say that you should cut out this and measure that, that you should eat this kind of fish and that kind of chicken and these types of fruits and vegetables and so on. Can't just be low-fat and low calorie pure and simple anymore--we have to take in a percentage of this and a percentage of that and go through all these damnedable changes just to eat!

I don't know--I guess I'll start small and work my way through. I've already cut out most sodas and caffeinated coffee and started drinking things with no caffeine and no sugar. I want to start incorporating more home-cooked meals...if only my budget would allow. LOL :p

Having a laugh this morning :D

I was just watching a video with a portion from Dave Chappelle's stand-up show "Killing Them Softly"--the part where he talks about Sesame Street. Hilarious.

I think I'm going to look up funny stuff from now on. I need to stop watching and listening to fucked-up shit like plane crashes and cult-suicide footage. Time to get happy. :D

I'm going out this weekend... :)

I'm going out on my first date this Saturday.

Yeah, you heard me right--my first date. (That's right. I'm 25 and I have never dated!)

I'm going out with a guy who graduated from high school with me--a guy I had never known until my friend from work told me about him a couple of weeks ago. (In high school, I was stuck on this guy who wanted nothing to do with me, and I was so consumed with him that I didn't notice anyone who would have given me the time of day, so unfortunately, I don't remember this guy.) She told me that he thought I was cute. :)

When I heard this, I was like, "Wow. I'm glad you waited seven years to tell me this, bro." But I knew I needed to give the guy a break. He was probably just nervous--I know I would have been if it was the other way around--and he couldn't work up the nerve to talk to me.

Eventually, my friend got him on the phone with me and I gave him my number. He's called a couple of times since then. We talked a bit, then we set up a dinner date for Saturday.

It makes me happy when I think about this, because I think about all the things that have been happening for me so far. I didn't think it would, but 2007 has turned out to be a great year for me--I moved into my first apartment (I had lived with my older sister for three years before then), I'm back in school (I actually started back last fall), I'm overcoming depression, and now I'm getting ready to have my first date. I thank God for all of this. This has truly been an amazing time for me.

It's an amazing feeling... :)

It's amazing to look in the mirror and see someone totally different.

I remember when I would look in the mirror and see my reflection and be like, "Whatever." But since I've started to overcome my depression, I've been seeing someone totally different--someone healthier, happier, more attractive. I think I might have even become a little vain about the way I look. :D I've been doing a lot of this lately--looking at my own reflection. And it seems I'm always seeing something new about myself.

Just this morning, I was looking at my side profile with two mirrors, and I saw, for the first time, how much I really look like my mother. My mom always tells me, "Believe it or not, Airen, you do look like me." Usually, I'd see it, then I wouldn't see it; for the most part, I always thought I was a good mixture of both parents--and I am. I guess I just didn't notice before how much I looked like my mom. I think it's mainly because of all the times I looked at my side profile in the past and thought I looked awkward.

It really is a great feeling, especially after years of depression and having no self-esteem. It does wonders for me to know that I don't look so bad after all. I never thought I was ugly, but I never really thought I was that pretty, either. I always saw myself as plain and awkward. I think that's all going to change now...

I feel a little better today...

I started cleaning my apartment today. That helped take some of the stress off of me.

I'm still having feelings of paranoia and uneasiness, but it's not so bad. It's tapering off a bit...

Right now, I'm watching "Sifl & Olly" clips. (Something happy! Yay!) I confess, though, that it's to get my mind cleared after looking up some more info on cults--this time, it was Heaven's Gate. Luckily, it didn't have the same effect on me as the Jonestown "death tape." I think it's because not as many people died--39 people this time versus over 900--and the video left behind didn't have any distorted music on it. O_o

I called my friend today. He had called earlier today to ask me if I wanted to attend a study at his new church--the church I fear might be a potential cult (it's still a long story). I said I didn't know, and that I had been trying to take a friend of mine from work to attend a Catholic church that some of my relatives attend, because she wanted to know more about it. He asked if I was interested in going Saturday, and wanted me to ask my friend from work if she wanted to go, too. I really don't want to go, and I definitely don't want her involved, because I don't know what it will lead too. If this is a cult, and we attend this study, we might end up trapped somehow. I'm waiting for the day when he calls me and tells me that the Lord told the church's resident prophet that I have to go whether I want to or not, and he starts trying to force me--and maybe even my work buddy--to go with him.

A lot of things are running through my head right now, and I'm really concerned for my friend and for myself. All I can do now is pray for him, that no matter what, he comes out okay. I really don't think he realizes what he's gotten himself into.

Energy drain and panic attacks

Lately, I've been on edge about things. I've been really paranoid, afraid of the dark and of being alone, and I can't think straight. It's gotten to the point where I can't even listen to certain songs on my MP3 player or take a shower or do laundry without feeling some sense of apprehension.

I think it's because of something I looked up on YouTube this past weekend. I went on YouTube to look up videos on cults, because I've been worried that a friend of mine might have joined one. Eventually, I came across some video clips featuring the original Jonestown "death tape." I sat and watched the videos and listened to the whole tape, which was like 45 minutes long. It was really disturbing and heartbreaking to hear the voices of those people on there, knowing that all of them are dead. There was one woman on the tape trying to get Jim Jones to consider other options, and babies crying while getting cyanide shots. There was also what sounded like distorted music playing in the background, which really got to me.

Since hearing that eerie footage, I haven't been able to clear it from my mind; it's driven me a bit crazy, LOL. It's made me think over and over about my mortality, and how much longer I have on this earth. I keep thinking, I'm 25 now, will I see 50? Will I even see 26? Just how much longer do I have?... It really scares me that I think about this. It makes me wish I hadn't seen those videos. It makes me wonder why I couldn't just look up "Planet Unicorn" or "Sifl & Olly" like I usually do. Those clips are lighthearted and comical. ("Sifl & Olly" is hilarious.)

I made this mistake before, back in July. I kept watching clips about plane crashes, and looked up death scenes from the Final Destination trilogy. I ended up fearing that I was going to die in some horrible freak accident or that a plane would crash into my apartment building. At the time, I had rationalized that I was still trying to get used to living on my own--I had just moved into my apartment a month earlier, before which I had been living with my sister for three years--and I just needed to take a few breaths and relax, and try to find ways to feel more at home in my new space. I'm still kind of antsy about living alone, four months later...so there's part of it right there.

I think what I need to do this time around is quit worrying about my friend, say some prayers, and leave it in God's hands, because there's really nothing I can do at this time. I also have a Bible at home--perhaps I can find comfort in reading a few scriptures. As for living on my own, same thing as last time--I need to relax and find ways to feel more at home. And I need to stop worrying so much about dying. I know I won't be here forever, but instead of being scared, I should try to make the most of the time I do have, so that when I finally do go Home, I'll have no regrets.

The next time I want to look up info on cults, I'll stick to documents. LOL :p

Welcome to my emoti-blog.

This is where my feelings will be submitted. I might talk about other things while I'm at it. :D

There will be times when I'll go really deep, and others when I go nowhere. I'll make it interesting...or at least something to look at.