To two of my toughest teachers (open letter rewrite)...

Dear Teachers,


Since I can't reach you physically, I am addressing you in the best way I know how...

Over the years that I've spent lamenting over you, I felt that I was alone, and that no one understood me or what I was going through. But in reality, it was I who didn't understand myself. I have failed to acknowledge this truth...and that you, without meaning to, have tried to reveal this truth to me.

I want to take this time to say thank you...thank you for refusing to give in to my desperation. Thank you for being real men and not taking advantage of my insecurity, as I knew many others would have. Thank you for serving as mirrors for my soul, for helping me to realize that it's me, not you, who is owed an apology.

I know that God has a greater purpose for me in this life than to feel lonely and desperate and dwell on something that it wasn't my time to have...on an unconscious level, you tried to show me that, and I regret that I didn't see it before. It was easier to blame you for how I felt.

My situation is not ideal at the moment, but things are improving every day. I now have an associate's degree, which I'm very proud of, and am working toward a bachelor's. I'm also in the process of writing my first book, and I must say, I'm truly impressed with myself--I'm already on chapter 25. As always, I have the love and support of my friends and loved ones in all I do, which I know not everyone has. As I said, things aren't perfect, but I'm still very much blessed, and I know I'm a lot better off than I was years ago. I know that in some way, I wouldn't be where I am, and I wouldn't be in the direction I'm headed, without you. Little by little, I'm becoming the awesome person I was meant to be.

I admit that I'm still angry, and I feel that I have a right to be angry. I know that my anger just means that there are wounds that still need to heal...and I can't count on you to heal these wounds for me--you've already done your work. I need to heal myself...and dealing with my feelings about men is just one step of many on a very important and essential journey.

To the first one: Congrats on your marriage and baby. You have found someone who truly loves you for who you are, and together, the two of you have started a family. May you cherish this gift and keep your family a happy one...nowadays, this is hard for many to come by. I admit that I have been envious of your good fortune, but only because I've ignored my own blessings. I know that I, too, will create a family of my own if and when it is time. I see now that this is my preparation phase, my time to do what I need to do for me.

To the second one: I won't lie, it might still take a while for me to get past that comment you made on Facebook. Still, I need to acknowledge that sometimes words are just words and that perhaps your comment was just that...a comment. I still feel that, deep down, you didn't really mean what you said, and you just chose the wrong words and the wrong time to express how you really feel. Maybe you're like me, and you're holding a lot of anger and frustration inside that you don't know how to express...and maybe, like me, you feel like you need other people to validate you, and that's why you have so many attractive women on your friends list. I think this might be the case, and that perhaps that's why you've been ignoring me...because in some way or other, you saw yourself in me and couldn't face it. To tell you the truth, I believe we both have a lot of growing up to do, you and I. And I think that we are helping each other grow, in a sense...sometimes the teacher has to be the student, right?...

That being said, May God Bless You Both, in all that you do. You aren't perfect, but none of us are--we're only human.


Sincerely,

One Very Difficult and Very Grateful Student. :)

An open letter to my rejectors...

Dear Rejectors:


Specifically I'm talking to the last two of you. This seems to be the only way I can talk to you, since you won't show me the same courtesy...

To maintain peace I've "reasonably" kept to myself over the years, as no one else wanted to hear it, either...you have no idea. But in doing so I've failed to acknowledge the truth:

I am angry. I'm angry because you rejected me. I'm angry because you ignored my apologies. I'm angry because in addition to not wanting to be bothered with me, you chose to make me feel like shit, like I'm subhuman, like I exist solely to waste space. One thing I'd often wondered about myself is whether God created me as a spacesaver for someone more worthy, and if I'd die when they came along. I blame you for this. I shouldn't but I do. It's easier.

Do you have any idea how I feel right now? I'm 30, no significant other, seemingly no prospects, a college degree I can't use because I'm not confident enough, because assholes like you made me feel like I was nothing, like I was a pathetic loser. Well...I hope you're satisfied. Turns out I just might be the loser you always knew I could be...

Okay, seriously--I am pissed off...and considering that my experiences with the opposite sex have sucked phenomenally over the years, I feel my anger is justified. But it's not really your fault. My personal frustration has nothing to do with you. Still, since you did still play some kind of role in the way I felt about myself and the way I feel about men, I'm not sure that I should apologize.

To the first one: A friend of mine has told me about your recent marriage and baby. I don't know if your wife's already given birth or not, and it's none of my business. I would be courteous and say Happy Father's Day, but you wouldn't want that, so...anyway, I suppose you have a justifiable reason to think I'm trying to wreck your home after 12 years of no contact (a third party can't wreck a home anyway). So I guess I'll shut up and try to be happy for you.

To the second one: I don't know how you feel about black people, whether that comment you made on Facebook was really a reflection of how you feel or you were just being a jackass. I hope you see people as people, like me, and that you're not really the "playa" you're making yourself look like...being a man-slut is not cool. Anyway, I suppose ignoring women is how you deal with the ones who aren't hot enough to grace your precious friends list. So I guess I can't argue with your logic. Oh, yeah--just so you know, 31 is not the new 21.

That being said, May God Bless You Both, in spite of yourselves. You'll never see this post, I know, and there will be several people on Facebook who will wonder what the hell is wrong with me, but I needed to get this out.

Sincerely,

The Crazy Bitch From High School, aka The Black Chick From Video I Who Was Easy To Forget.