Emancipation--what does it mean?...

I find myself asking that question today. It all started with a dream I had last Friday.

I just posted about the entire dream on DreamMoods today. Here's a part of that:

"For much of it, I was a character in sort of a 'living manga' (for those who don't know, manga is like anime, except it's not animated). I don't remember much of it, except that parts of it were sexual in nature....

"Near the end, I remember that my character was trying to do something when a group of angels (or what appeared to be angels, because I couldn't see them clearly either) appeared, telling her not to do it, that she was making a mistake. The lead angel told her that she could be 'happy and healthy.' Then the angel started singing in a beautiful soprano, adding:

'You could be emancipated; you could be adopted...'

The moment she sang these words, I woke up. I lay in bed for a moment, thinking about these words, and their melody, and I played the lyrics again and again in my head. It made me think of many things; mostly, it made me think about my life, and how I could live it differently and be better off than I am. These thoughts, coupled with the haunting melody, brought me to tears."

What made me cry was that I knew what this would mean in my life, to be "emancipated." I knew that something would have to change. And I knew that there were some things I would need to let go of, some of which would be hard to sacrifice.

(I know that the "adoption" part meant being "taken in," being part of something, perhaps something greater.)

Now, a lot of people don't take much stock in dreams or their meanings, but I do, and I believe that this dream--or at least the song at the end--was trying to tell me something.

Today, it's making me think: What will it take for me to emancipate myself? What do I have to do, to give, to change? What can I contribute? What can I teach? How can I make a difference in my life and the lives of others?...

Everyone's on a spiritual path, on a quest to find themselves; for some time, I've been trying to figure out how to get on mine (or how to continue), and this dream just called it to my attention a little more. And I have a feeling that this is now going to take up brain space a lot more than usual, especially if I get another dream with singing angels. I think I've gotten to that age when one really begins to think about things like this (is it at 28 that one thinks of such things?...)

It might be easy to label this "quarterlife crisis," but I think this is a little different (besides, I think I'm about to pass the quarterlife point). I think what this dream is bringing to mind involves something a bit deeper than just "who am I and where is my life headed?". I think this involves the question of where my soul stands in God's eyes and how I can achieve a higher state of awareness of who I am, and the world around me. I want to be more connected to God, and I want to be more connected to the world. And apparently, in order to do that, I must emancipate myself.

So where does one begin? I suppose I could read the Bible cover-to-cover, or attend service every Sunday. Or I could meditate one hour each day to get sparks of insight. I could even ask every religious and spiritual leader I could think of for their wisdom and ideas. Or simply get on my knees and ask God for an answer then wait for Him to respond.

However I choose to begin this journey, I know it starts with me. I need to listen to my own heart and soul and follow their lead. I need to release what's holding me back. I need to start living the best life I can live in the time I have left.

I haven't kept my resolutions.

I recently started the tradition of making New Year's resolution lists on my birthday. This year, among other things, I resolved to be 100% honest, mainly with myself, about my feelings.

I have to admit, so far I haven't been too honest--I've been stuffing everything away and distracting myself with stupid shit, as I've done so many times in the past, and ignoring the real issue. (If nothing else, my last post proves that.) So right now, I'm going to be honest with myself and say what's really bothering me.

To begin with, my summer was fucked up in terms of money. Because of dire financial straits, I've had to spend two months paying rent weekly, and while I was accepted into U of L (yay!) I can't take any classes until January because I didn't have the fee for orientation. My money woes have also kept me too occupied to look for a photo gig.

Too much time and too little money do not make a good combination for Airen. While I am ecstatic that I finally graduated from JCTC and have my degree, and could really use some time off from school, it's leaving me with nothing to do besides work every night. And how do I usually spend all that free time? Worrying--about money, about my job, about my love life (or rather, lack thereof), about something. I am a classic worrier. I obsess about everything. And when I have enough time, I go into overdrive. I need something to do!

So, what's been taking up my valuable brain space these past three months? After two years, who else? Donnie. I still have feelings for him, although I've only spoken to him on a few occasions and rarely see him. I've convinced myself somehow that I love him but know deep down it can't possibly be true. I know all too well the likelihood that I don't stand a chance, and yet he lingers! He's in my head day and night and I can't make him leave!

Enter Alicia Keys--the perfect distraction! While I was busy trying to make sense of her choice to sacrifice her integrity in the name of love (if that's really what she did) and defending her good name to message board trolls, I ignored the real problem. I knew all along it was about Donnie and my feelings about him, and yet I let myself go so far off the deep end about Alicia that the mere acknowledgement of this problem became a moot point. And so it continues to this day. Alicia, Swizz, and Mashonda are now as prominent in my mind as Donnie is, and all because I tried to shut him out in the first place.

I know how it must seem to others, but I really don't like having constant thoughts about one person, especially if it's going nowhere. And I certainly don't like having constant thoughts about a celebrity just to block my thoughts about said person...

Well, now I feel better. I finally got it all out...at least for today. From now on, I need to just write it all down. And I need to stop listening to celebrity gossip...most of it's trash, anyway. :p