To be clear, I still have no desire to see Loving the Bad Man. On that my stance doesn't change. I still feel that most sexual predators are not repentant and therefore do not deserve forgiveness. And I still believe in not casting pearls before swine.
But tonight I had somewhat of a debate with family members about pregnancies due to rape--which seems to be one of the popular topics nowadays, especially in politics. I mentioned the movie and my sisters felt that I was being unfair and judgmental by disagreeing with the protagonist's decision to forgive her attacker.
I brought up one of my views from last time--if I get raped, and get pregnant, it's still about me. My family seems to disagree with that. Their argument is that when you have a child, it's no longer about you, whatever the circumstance.
I argued that the rapist already conveys the same message through his actions, and that the victim does not need the message repeated because it makes matters worse.
My father, I believe, explained it best: When you have a child, your love for that child should be unconditional. Her needs should be your priority from the start, and your problems are not her concern. If you can't devote yourself to that child from day one, you shouldn't be involved in her life.
He also said if it had happened to me, he would advise me, at best, to give up the baby if I couldn't handle it. Because I'm so sensitive, he said, he doesn't think I'd take it too well.
To be honest, I don't either. I mean, I've already said I'd keep the baby, and I like to think that perhaps over time, some of my views may change. But I don't think I'd take it well--I actually already established this, too, so I won't belabor.
My main concern is this: When something like this happens, it's a sudden thing. Suddenly, you can't live the way you want to anymore. Suddenly, you go from being number 1 to being number 2 (being last means putting everyone before you; I will never be "last"). Suddenly, over 18 years, you're spending at least $200,000, possibly struggling financially to boot--all because of one man's actions, you go from having everything under control to having to survive from one day to the next.
I also said that I would tell my child the truth--I am against lying to children because I'm against keeping them in a bubble of ignorance. I wouldn't tell her the truth straight out of the womb, mind you, but I wouldn't wait until they were grown for them to find out the truth either. I personally thought--and I didn't say this--that 7 was a good age, because that's when children start to think logically.
This got shot down, too. My dad let me know, in a sense, how selfish it would sound if I did this: "You'd tell the truth about what he did to you...about everything going on with you."
I guess if you put it that way it would sound selfish. But then again, raping a woman is selfish, isn't it?...
Anyway, after giving some thought to it I might need to rethink some things.
I agree that when you have a child, it's not 100% about you, but at the same time, it's not 0% about you, either. You still matter. I would still matter. I still would have things I'd want to do with my life, and I made it a point last time that I'd still do them.
I still wouldn't take my child to see the baby in prison, even if it's only to show my rapist that, in my sister's words, "he didn't break me" (unless the rapist agreed to pay child support!). A rapist doesn't deserve credit for bringing a child into the world. Showing him the baby gives him incentive, and it gives him more ammunition against me should he be released and decide to retaliate. I can prove my survival by simply going on--not forgetting, not forgiving, but going on.
If this happened to me I would genuinely want to try my best to prioritize my baby. But I'd also want others to be patient with me and give me a break, because I'd still be recovering from an unthinkable trauma, and the pregnancy would no doubt make things harder.
As for telling my child the truth? I don't know. I don't want to give her a complex, but I don't want to spend 18 years lying or playing the Artful Dodger either. I would want her to know the truth, but in a way that's not hurtful, and in a way in which she still knows that she's a gift from God (and that what her father did isn't) and she's very much loved.
I rest my case...for now.
