Hard to tell right now, but I do hear something...
*sigh* I guess the time has come to get this off my chest. Lately it seems I've been paying attention to things having to do with babies and having babies.
I know I'm not ready to have a baby anytime soon (too much going on), although I would like to be a mom someday. I guess I'm thinking really hard about it because I'm getting closer to that time in my life when this will really become an issue. I'll be 29 in about 2 1/2 months, and I know I'll be thinking about a lot of things in the coming year. This is one of the bigger things.
I'm also thinking about it because it scares me. The whole idea of being a mother scares me. It's not so much that it won't just be about Airen anymore--that's a given--it's because I'm not sure how I'll handle it, or if I can do it at all. I know how I tend to operate, especially under pressure. I often wonder how this would affect my child, if it came to me having one.
I recall on many occasions saying that I didn't want my child to be like me, mainly because of past behaviors--I didn't want my child to be overreactive, sad or anxious like me. I didn't want my child to feel lonely and have no friends. I didn't want her to have my temper, or to have other kids pick on her. I still don't want any child of mine having any of these things, although I must acknowledge the inevitability that she will inherit 23 chromosomes from me and therefore still be like me in some way. I really just don't want my child to have the difficulties and disappointments that I've had.
Another thing I wonder about is how I could keep up with my child as she grows. The world has its wonders and its perks but there's still a lot of hurtful people in the world, not to mention various risks. I know that one day she'd be grown up, and I wouldn't always be there to protect her when something goes wrong. What would I do if I found out she had gotten into some serious, dire situation? How would I handle it if something had happened to her that could stick with her for life? I'm sure this is something every parent thinks about, and I know if I had a child my time would come too. But I know how I am.
I know that some of you reading this are saying, "Airen, why are you worrying about this now? You're young, you're single, you don't have kids. Focus on taking care of Airen." I often say the same thing to myself. But like I said, I'm nearing that age when this is going to really be an issue for me. I know, too, that being a parent is perhaps the toughest job one will ever take on--my parents and three of my siblings can vouch for that. Still, I know that one day I'll want a baby. I just want to know that I'll be ready and up to the task when God's ready for me to start that chapter in my life.
