My crying fits didn't stop on Tuesday. They went on for the next few days after that. During this time, I talked about it with friends and with my parents, many of whom suggested, in so many words, that I take a minute to question whether or not I'm even ready to be in a relationship.
I honestly don't know. I still take into consideration that I've never had a relationship, and I often think to myself, well, I still need the experience, don't I? because most women my age have been in at least a few relationships, and here I am, having not been in any. And I feel so pathetic. I feel like there must be something wrong with me if I've already had to wait this long.
Then I think, well, there are some things I could work on...I do have my issues I need to work on, my own personal set of demons I need to face. Sometimes I look at some of the things I say and do and wonder why anyone would want to be with someone like me.
There are times when it seems I'll get along just fine, but then there are times when I still get depressed about the whole situation. For instance, whenever I hear a love song on the radio, I think about my classmate and his girlfriend, and then I get sad again.
Also, a friend of mine, who's been really involved in church and ministry, put me through this guilt trip, saying that my flirting was a sin against God, and that the reason I felt so guilty after finding out about my classmate's girlfriend was because God was present and He was making me feel that way. Now, I disagree with a lot of what he said; I don't believe it's sinful to flirt--flirting and lust are not the same thing--and I believe that God is more concerned with the overall welfare of our souls than with whether or not we're flirting with someone who just happens to be dating someone else, that He has better things to do than put us through guilt trips. Still, I found myself on Sunday wondering if I really did commit a forbidden act against God by flirting with my colleague.
My next chance to talk things over with this man is tomorrow, in video class. I'm really hoping that his knowing I liked him does not have an effect on how he sees me. I'm worried that because he knows I liked him now, he won't want to be around me, and he'll try to shut me out. I still want to be friends with him, but I don't know if that's possible now...
Then again, I have to have some faith and take into consideration that this is not high school, and that I cannot expect a 27-year-old to respond like a 17-year-old would. I know that most likely, he won't shut me out, although it's possible.
